


Perfect

by CelestialWolf72



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Musician Sirius Black, Mutual Pining, Smut, Songfic, Writer Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 11:54:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelestialWolf72/pseuds/CelestialWolf72
Summary: Remus has been in love with Sirius almost from the moment they first met. There's no way Sirius could ever feel the same though, right?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 50
Kudos: 87





	1. Because Of You

**Author's Note:**

> A muggle AU that was originally a one-shot and then just kept going! Let me know what you think, hope you're all well and keeping safe.
> 
> Disclaimer: Anything you recognise (characters, places, song lyrics etc) obviously don't belong to me.

_**Because of you,**_

_**I try my hardest just to forget everything,**_

_**Because of you,** _

_**I don’t know how to let anyone else in,**_

_**Because of you,** _

_**I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty**_

__________________________

Remus downed yet another glass of whiskey, his eyes trained on the figure of his best friend across the bar. He'd known it was a bad idea but he'd still let his flatmate drag him out to their local anyway. Remus usually enjoyed a night out with his mates, and their local pub-turned-bar The Three Broomsticks was the perfect place. He was however finding it difficult to have any fun when said flatmate was draped over a stunning blond who was batting her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.

Remus didn't know exactly when he'd fallen in love with Sirius; it was more like he couldn't remember a time when he hadn't loved him. Ever since he could remember having any sort of romantic feelings at all, they had been for Sirius fucking Black. Of course they had; Sirius was funny and clever and brave and stupidly loyal. He was one of only a few select people that Remus trusted completely; Sirius knew everything about him; the good, the bad, and everything Remus was most ashamed of, and he was friends with him anyway.

Of course Sirius had never shown any inclination that he felt the same. It might have been easier to deal with if Remus didn't have a reason to hope...

Remus shook his head slightly and ordered another drink. It wasn't a reason to hope, he needed to remember that. A few drunken nights in university didn't mean anything.

_It had been more than a few drunken nights though._

Throughout most of their first year they had been in a casual relationship; at least it was supposed to be casual. Remus wasn't sure when the lines had become blurred, or maybe they had always been a little distorted. It was supposed to be just sex, but people for who it was ‘just sex’ surely didn't spend all their time together, didn't stay up late into the night talking, didn’t fall asleep in each other’s arms as if they were in the middle of some sodding fairy-tale. Just sex wasn't supposed to be exclusive; you weren't supposed to tell each other everything, all the deepest parts of yourself you thought you'd never share with anyone; hidden secrets and painful memories whispered over damp sheets in the middle of the night.

_No wonder I fell in love with him._

But apparently none of that had meant anything to Sirius; they were just two friends getting to know each other who also happened to be sleeping together. And now it was like none of it had ever happened.

Sirius went out and met people; flirted with men and women and brought more than a few back to the flat they shared. Which was fine; he was single, he was allowed to do that. He was his own person and he didn't owe Remus anything. Remus wasn’t even allowed to be upset when Sirius had dumped him because they hadn’t officially been together; he had just had to smile and shrug it off as if his heart wasn’t breaking. And now he had the pleasure of watching Sirius flirt and dance with anyone but him.

"Woaah, wanna slow down there mate?" James appeared beside him and laughed as he clapped Remus on the back, his pint sloshing slightly over the rim of his glass and his eyes bright.

What was supposed to be just a few drinks down the local pub, had actually been Sirius dragging Remus up on stage to perform with him for open-mic night. It had taken a few beers and Sirius' unrelenting puppy dog eyes for Remus to perform in front of a crowd but up there on the stage, playing the guitar Sirius had brought and watching Sirius singing a song they had written together, Remus felt a warmth and a giddiness he had known couldn't last.

It wasn't something Remus had ever really taken seriously He loved writing and was always jotting down whatever came to mind; poems, song lyrics, occasionally short stories, but it wasn't something he usually shared with anyone. Sirius was an entirely different matter; having studied music at university mainly to annoy his parents, he had found his passion for it and performed at every open-mic night the Three Broomsticks had.

"You're gonna end up passed out in a ditch somewhere if you're not careful." James said now, wagging a finger at Remus and looking so drunkenly serious that Remus couldn't help but laugh.

"Don't be silly James, we wouldn't let that happen to our Moony." Sirius had appeared at James' shoulder, the blond still clinging to his arm, and smiled at Remus, who tried to ignore the way his stomach did a somersault at Sirius' words.

"Now Moons," Sirius said, grinning flirtatiously at the girl beside him in response to what Remus strongly suspected was a squeeze of his arse. "Who here catches your eye? If we find you somebody nice for the night, maybe you won't end up in a ditch."

"Not in the mood." Remus snapped, the alcohol getting the better of him and glaring at the girl still clutching Sirius' waist. Sirius raised his eyebrows and the girl looked offended but Remus wasn't interested in waiting around to hear her indignation. "I'm going for a smoke." He muttered, pushing past them so he could head outside.

He leaned against the wall and pulled out his cigarettes, pushing one between his lips distractedly and patting his pockets for his lighter.

"Fucks sake," He muttered, then jumped slightly as a figure appeared in front of him.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." The guy in front of him was tall, with a mop of ginger hair falling into piercing blue eyes and a small smile gracing his lips as he looked at Remus. "Need a light?"

Remus smiled and nodded, leaning forwards so the man could light his cigarette. "Thanks." He muttered, smiling and taking a drag.

"So, what's your name?"

"Remus."

"Not Romulus?" The guy grinned, tilting his head slightly, bringing their faces closer together. Remus straightened up, his back against the wall, so they were eye-to-eye. His gaze lingering for a moment on the other man's lips.

"Never heard that one before." He smirked slightly, as the guy flushed. "What should I call you then?"

"Fabian." His eyes were burning into Remus' as he leaned forward and brushed their lips lightly together. Fabian grinned when he pulled away and Remus let the alcohol take the lead and leaned into him again, dropping his cigarette and pressing their lips together in a frantic and needy kiss.

They were pulled apart when a hand on Remus' arm pulled insistently and an angry voice was hissing at him, '"Remus what the _fuck_ are you doing?"

Remus pulled away from Fabian to see Sirius glaring at him. Fabian raised his eyebrows slightly, looking both amused and irritated at the interruption. "Can we help you, Black?"

Remus barely had time to wonder how they knew each other before Sirius snapped, "Sod off Prewett, why don't you go find someone else to shag."

Fabian was looking at Sirius like he couldn't decide whether to laugh or argue the point, but he seemed to decide it wasn't worth it. He shrugged and offered Remus a smile, "Come find me later, gorgeous."

Remus couldn't help smiling at that and nodded at Fabian as Sirius huffed again. He turned back to glare at his flatmate. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"My problem?" Sirius snapped. 'You're the one who suddenly got all pissy and stormed off.'

Remus flushed, "And?"

Sirius glared at him, "Why are you being such a dick? You were fine earlier."

_Because earlier we were together, we were singing and you looked at me like no one else existed. Now you've barely looked at me at all._

Remus looked away and pulled out another cigarette before remembering he didn't have his lighter. He huffed slightly and looked around to see where Fabian had got to, before Sirius pulled one from his pocket and lit Remus' cigarette.

"You always forget the damn thing." Sirius said quietly, their faces still close together. When Remus looked up he found himself, as usual, getting lost in Sirius' grey eyes.

_He's looking at you now._

Remus pulled away, running his hand through his hair distractedly. "What do you want Sirius?"

Sirius stared at him for a moment, eyes flicking down to his lips as they wrapped around the cigarette, before clearing his throat. "I want to know why you were so rude back there."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry I was rude to your... _friend_. I'm sure she won't hold it against you."

"Oh sod that Rem, I don't care about her, I want to know why you're angry." Sirius was glaring at him, he had moved forwards so he was right up in Remus' personal space, forcing Remus to engage with him.

Remus considered him for a second. In all honesty he couldn't say what made him do it; alcohol, jealousy over seeing Sirius with someone else again, a burning resentment that he felt something Sirius didn't and he just couldn't seem to let it go. Whatever the reason, before he fully registered what he was doing, he had leaned forwards and pressed his lips to Sirius'.

Sirius seemed frozen in shock and Remus quickly pulled back, eyes burning slightly and looking away as he tried to hide his humiliation. "Sorry! Sorry I - fuck-"

He was cut off when Sirius surged forwards and caught his lips in a kiss so passionate Remus felt like he was burning with the intensity of it. He flung the cigarette away and tangled his fingers in Sirius' silky hair, pulling it slightly from its bun. Remus loved Sirius' hair.

Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling them closer together and Remus groaned at the friction as their lower bodies started to rub against each other.

"Let’s go home." Sirius whispered, biting the sensitive skin below Remus’ ear.

Remus hesitated; this was a bad idea, a really stupid idea that was only going to end badly. But Remus was tired; tired of longing for Sirius, tired of never getting what he wanted. Tomorrow he could worry about the consequences of his actions; tonight he was going to enjoy it.

"Come on, Rem." Sirius groaned and Remus gasped when he felt Sirius’ hand brush over his crotch.

"What about Prongs?" Remus muttered, trying to prolong his inevitable surrender as if he hadn’t been dreaming about this for months.

Sirius snorted, his hands moving to the small of Remus’ back, fingers dipping under the waistband. "Lily finished work early so he left." His nails scraped up the skin as he whispered, "You’ve got me all to yourself."

What little restraint Remus still possessed snapped at the sound of that Sirius’ voice, low and husky with desire. Grabbing his hand, Remus pulled him back through the bar, which was now so full people were spilling out onto the street, and into a taxi.

They just about managed to keep their hands off each other in the taxi, even though the sexual tension was palpable and the driver kept shooting them amused looks.

As soon as they pulled up outside the flat, Remus shoved a couple of notes at the driver, telling him to keep the change and pulled Sirius out of the car and into the building. As soon as they were inside the lift, Sirius backed Remus up against the wall and pulled him into another heated kiss. Remus moaned and threaded the fingers of one hand through his hair while the other wandered down to grip Sirius’ arse through the ridiculously tight jeans he was wearing.

Remus pulled away as the doors clanged open and let Sirius drag him from the lift and down the hallway to their door, where he dropped Remus’ hand to fumble with the key to their flat. Remus couldn’t stop himself from pressing up against the full length of Sirius’s back as he stuck the key in the lock.

"Not in the hall please boys." Came an amused voice from down the hall.

Remus jumped and sprung back from Sirius in surprise; a flush creeping up his neck as he met the knowing eye of their elderly neighbour Mrs Figg.

Sirius merely grinned at her, pulling Remus’ arm to wrap around his waist once more. "Sorry Bells, but he’s just too cute to resist, isn’t he?"

Remus didn’t think he could feel any more awkward until Mrs Figg laughed and said, "Well I can’t disagree with you there dear, but maybe not out in the hallway, hm? Although I must say I’m glad you’re finally together; enough dancing around each other. Well have a good night, boys." She smiled and waved as she turned towards the lifts.

Remus frowned at her retreating figure, but Sirius seemed to have finally got the door to the flat open and Remus found himself being pulled inside and dragged down the hall to Sirius’ bedroom.

Kicking the door shut behind them, Sirius pushed Remus down on the bed and kicked his shoes off.

"What do you think she meant by that?" Remus asked distractedly as Sirius struggled to pull his trousers off. "Dancing around each other; what’s that about?"

"No idea. Get your kit off, would you?"

Remus frowned slightly but started unbuttoning his jeans, lifting his hips so he could push them and his underwear down his legs. Was he really that obvious that their neighbour who they only saw in passing a couple of times a week had noticed?

"Moony." Sirius murmured and Remus focused his attention back on the man in front of him, which effectively put an end to his musings. Sirius was completely naked and he crawled over the bed to straddle Remus’ hips. His skin seemed almost silver in the moonlight drifting through the open curtains; the smooth ivory punctuated with the black of his tattoos. He was beautiful and Remus fought the urge to hide himself; he wasn't exactly a prize, he knew that. Long limbs, a slight pudge in his stomach and scars covering his skin from head to toe, from when his father threw him out of a second story window when he was a teenager. Lyall Lupin, it turned out, was not only a shitty husband and absent father, but a serious homophobe to top it all off and catching his only son with another boy was one step too far apparently.

"You worry too much." Sirius muttered, once again pulling Remus out of his reverie, as he struggled to pull the t-shirt off over Remus' head so they were both naked on the bed.

"I’m not _worrying_." Remus grumbled.

"Well whatever it was that's bouncing around that big brain of yours, would you just focus on me instead?" Sirius leaned down, his hard cock grinding into Remus’ deliciously, ripping a moan from deep within his chest that made Sirius grin triumphantly. "I want you to fuck me through this mattress."

"Fuck Pads," Remus groaned and gripped Sirius around the waist, flipping them so Sirius was lying on his back underneath him.

Remus started kissing down Sirius’ neck, nudging his legs apart with his knee as he moved down his body. He kissed and nibbled his way down his beautifully sculpted chest, pausing to laver his tongue over his pink nipples, making Sirius arch his back; pushing up into the touch.

Remus resumed his journey down Sirius’ body, unable to help himself from making a detour to press a gentle kiss to the tattoo of the phases of the moon intertwined with the constellation of Canis Major on Sirius’ right forearm. Sirius had gotten it on his eighteenth birthday _"to celebrate our friendship Moons"_ , but it meant so much more than that to Remus.

Sirius’ hand moved to cup his cheek, forcing Remus to look up at him. Their eyes locked and Remus felt his breath catch in his throat; he didn’t know how to interpret the look Sirius was giving him; intense and gentle at the same time. Remus felt his eyes start to sting and blinked, looking away before he said something he couldn’t take back. He leaned down to press his lips to the tattoo once more then continued moving down Sirius’ body until he rested between his parted thighs.

"Remus-" Sirius began in a tone that suggested he was about to say something Remus knew he wasn’t ready to hear. Ignoring him, Remus licked a stripe up Sirius’ cock before sucking the head into his mouth.

Sirius let out a choked groan, his hands sliding into Remus’ hair and gripping it tight enough that the sensation went straight to Remus’ cock. He moaned and Sirius’ grip in his hair tightened as he fought not to come from the vibrations in Remus’ throat. Remus bobbed his head faster, sucking harder until Sirius grunted and pulled Remus’ head up, panting heavily.

"Not gonna last if you keep that up."

Remus grinned and rose up on his knees to kiss Sirius as he fumbled in the bedside table for lube. As soon as he located the small tube, he gave Sirius one last kiss then moved back down the bed, slicking up his fingers as he went.

He sucked the tip of Sirius’ cock back into his mouth as his finger circled Sirius’ rim lightly, Sirius groaned and began bearing down on Remus’ hand, trying to push the digit inside himself.

Remus smirked as much as he could with his mouth full and pushed his finger inside as far as it could go. Sirius yelped slightly at the sudden burn but settled as Remus continued to suck on his cock and pushed a second finger in alongside the first.

Moving his fingers slightly to stretch Sirius, Remus pulled off his cock and twisted his wrist, the pad of his finger brushing over Sirius’ prostate.

"Fuuuck Remus, come on I’m ready." Sirius all but whined, rolling his hips in time with the movement of the fingers inside him.

With one last brush over Sirius’ prostate, Remus removed his fingers from the clenching hole, and moved to cover Sirius’ body with his own, slicking his cock with lube. He rested his arms either side of Sirius’ head, holding himself up and he pushed into Sirius’ hot, clenching body.

" _Oh fuck_ _Pads_." He moaned, holding himself still to allow Sirius to adjust. Once Sirius started to roll his hips, Remus pulled out and slammed back in, making them both groan. Sirius wrapped his legs around Remus’ waist, changing the angle slightly so that Remus’ cock hit his prostate with every thrust.

"Shit Moons, oh god, _oh god!_ " Sirius groaned as Remus pounded into him, tangling his fingers in the hair at the nape of Remus' neck and pulling him down into a kiss. Their tongues tangled together as they panted into each other’s mouths.

Remus could feel himself getting close embarrassingly quickly; the way Sirius was panting his name and his tight hole squeezing his cock quickly pushing him towards climax. Shifting his weight so he was balancing on one elbow, Remus snaked a hand between their sweat slicked bodies to grasp Sirius’ weeping cock and jerk him off in time to the frantic pace of his hips. As he did so, Sirius looked up at him so their eyes met; they were so close that they were breathing the same air, staring into each other's eyes. It was the most intense thing Remus had ever experienced and for that one glorious moment it was as if nothing and no one else existed.

It only took a few strokes for Sirius to cry out, his back arching as he came over their stomachs. His arse fluttered around Remus’ cock, clenching tightly with his orgasm and Remus cried out, burying his face in Sirius’ neck and biting down on the skin as he came inside him.

Remus slumped on top of the other man, boneless and with his face buried in the other’s neck, breathing in the scent of sweat and sex and Sirius.

Remus turned his face slightly and kissed the angry red mark that had blossomed into the shape of his teeth on Sirius’ throat, before pushing himself off the other man; pulling out gently and rolling onto his back. He grabbed a few tissues from the table beside the bed and wiped them both off, as close to clean as either was willing to get at this time of night.

They lay there in comfortable silence for a few moments, before the reality of his situation started to drift back to Remus, and he silently cursed himself for not being able to bask in the afterglow for just a little longer.

Eventually Sirius broke the silence, his voice quiet, "Rem?"

"Yeah?"

"Why were you so concerned about what Mrs Figg said?"

Remus glanced at Sirius out of the corner of his eye; he was staring up at the ceiling, one leg slightly bent and a sheen of sweat covering his skin. He looked so beautiful that Remus’ heart ached.

"I wasn’t."

"Remus-"

"I really wasn’t Sirius." Remus rubbed a hand over his face, fighting to keep his expression blank.

Sirius turned his head slightly to look at him, his eyebrows drawn together and his voice soft, "Why won’t you tell me, Moony?"

Remus smiled in what he hoped was an off-hand way. "Come on Pads you know I'm crap at secrets, there's just nothing to tell here."

He looked into those stormy grey eyes for a moment, before Sirius turned away and grabbed his phone off the floor by the bed. Scrolling through the messages he said, "What did you really think of that girl?"

Remus raised an eyebrow, "What girl?"

Sirius shrugged one shoulder, still looking at his phone. "The one I was talking to; the blond you were so displeased with."

Remus stiffened slightly and turned to look back at the ceiling so Sirius couldn't see his face. "Didn’t really think anything about her. Why?"

"She’s asking if I want to go for a drink." Sirius said, tapping away on his phone, presumably replying to said blond.

Remus felt his heart sink; Sirius’ come was still drying on his stomach but the other man was already looking for the next person to keep his bed warm. Once again Remus had allowed himself to fall into the fantasy that what had happened tonight actually meant anything. The moment they had shared; the intensity he had felt as they’d made love, clearly didn’t mean anything. It hadn’t even been making love, it was just sex.

He should’ve known.

"I dunno Padfoot; what’s it matter what I think anyway?" Remus pushed himself to his feet and pulled on his boxers, grabbing his jeans and t-shirt from the floor. He kept his back to Sirius when he muttered, "I’m going to shower."

Stumbling down the hall and into the bathroom, he locked the door behind himself and hunched over the sink. He caught sight of his own reflection in the mirror; hair tousled and cheeks flushed, his body thin and scar-ridden and ugly.

_Why on earth would he want you?_

Remus’s vision blurred and before he knew what he was doing there was a loud crash and a shooting pain in his fist.

_You’re stupid and needy and pathetic._

Looking down he saw blood dripping from his knuckles, which were already starting to bruise, and the mirror was smashed; a huge crack running down the middle and small shards of glass clattering into the sink.

Remus curled his hand into a fist, head bent over the sink, and let the tears fall.

__________________________

_**Because of you,** _ _**I am afraid.** _

_**Because of you.** _


	2. I'm Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took longer to post than I planned! I just moved house which is very exciting but takes up a lot of time! Hopefully I'll be able to post more frequent updates in future :)

**_Why can't you hold me in the street?_ **

**_Why can't I kiss you on the dancefloor?_ **

**_I wish that it could be like that_ **

**_Why can't it be like that?_ **

**_'Cause I'm yours_ **

__________________________

It had been three weeks since the night at the bar, and both Sirius and Remus had gone back to acting like nothing had happened.

It wasn’t as if he’d expected any different really, Remus mused as he hurried across the street, head bent and shoulders hunched against the rain. This was their pattern; since they’d stopped sleeping together regularly two years ago, any time they got drunk and fell into bed together it was never mentioned once they’d sobered up. As if it was something shameful to be kept a secret and not spoken about, even when it was just the two of them.

There had been a certain amount of awkwardness for a few days afterwards, an awkwardness which hadn’t lessened as the weeks had gone on and which in itself had thrown Remus off. The lack of acknowledgement of what happened he had been expecting, but it was never awkward between them, no matter what they’d done the night before. It unnerved Remus and he was spending far too much time racking his brain for what had been different this time, although truthfully he didn't have to look that far. There had been something there that night; a connection that Remus had rarely felt during his nights with Sirius. It had been so intense that Remus had just pushed it away; tried to forget about it, but he couldn’t deny what had happened. That, all the times they’d slept together, he had never had the urge to describe it as _making love_ until that night.

Finally getting under the cover of the doorway to the building, Remus took a deep breath and rang the buzzer for Lily and James' flat, unable to help the slight anxiety that was creeping in. He hadn't seen Sirius since yesterday, when he'd announced loudly that he was going out, looking absolutely fuckable in his tight leather trousers that showed off his pert arse beautifully, and an artfully ripped band t-shirt. Remus had spent a sleepless night tossing and turning and doing anything to distract himself from the image of Sirius with someone else.

The door opened suddenly, pulling Remus out of his increasingly negative train of thought, and spilling a burst of bright light onto the pavement.

"Moony!" James exclaimed, already beaming at him. His hair was as messy as ever and his hazel eyes were shining brightly out from behind his glasses. He was already flushed with alcohol as he beckoned Remus inside and led him up the two flights of stairs to the flat.

It was a cosy place; everything about it perfectly reflective of its occupants. Old Gryffindor banners hung on the walls interspersed with Lily’s paintings. Despite protesting she had no talent whatsoever, it had always been her passion and she was finally getting recognition for it, with a few of her pieces being featured in an exhibition next week for London’s ‘New Artists to Watch’.

Remus hung his coat on the peg by the door and helped himself to a beer, while the group that was already gathered around the living room called out greetings. Their entire friendship group seemed to be crammed into the small space; Marlene and Dorcas sat on the threadbare rug that had once belonged to James’ grandmother. Frank and Alice were cuddled up on the sofa, chatting animatedly to Lily about the exhibition. Peter waved at him happily from where he was sat chatting to Mary and two red headed men Remus was sure he’d never met before and, somewhat to his surprise, Sirius’ cousin Tonks who Remus hadn’t seen since she’d moved to Edinburgh for university.

Remus smiled at them all and sat down on the larger of the two sofas beside Lily. She immediately enveloped him in a hug, as if it had been more than 24 hours since he last saw her.

"Remus!"

"Hey Lils," He grinned, unlike James she didn't seem to be even slightly tipsy and he eyed the glass in her hand which contained something that looked suspiciously like water. "You alright?"

"I’m good, just don't feel like drinking tonight." She shrugged and then looked at him seriously. "Why didn’t you and Sirius arrive together then?"

Remus just shrugged and looked away, downing half his beer in one gulp. "He was out I guess; haven’t seen him much. Is he here then?"

"Pfft course he is; been here for hours." She looked around frowning. "Padfoot!"

"I’m right here flower." Sirius was smirking as he sauntered back into the living room, a glass of whiskey in his hand. His hair was pulled back into a loose bun at the back of his neck, small wisps of hair falling out of it to frame his face, highlighting his sharp cheekbones and strong jaw. He was wearing a sinfully tight pair of black jeans, doc martins and a loose, low-necked grey t-shirt that fell across his shoulders artfully, showing off the beautiful art inked on his porcelain skin.

He barely glanced at Remus as he pecked Lily on the forehead and went to sit on the floor between Tonks and Marlene, laughing as Tonks passed him his guitar and seemed to demand he play her something. Remus tried to ignore the sting of hurt in his chest as Sirius started up the notes of a song they had written together less than a month ago and downed the rest of his beer, muttering something about needing another one before pushing himself off the sofa and heading to the kitchen.

Remus leaned his head against the fridge, silently cursing himself. This was ridiculous; they’d been friends for fifteen years, how were they letting this awkwardness come between them so badly they couldn’t even be civil towards each other?

"You alright there?"

Remus jumped and spun around, losing his balance slightly and gripping the counter to prevent himself toppling over. One of the red-headed men he hadn’t recognised was leaning against the door to the kitchen, a small smile on his lips. Remus realised with a slight shock that it was the man from the bar he’d met in the smoking area… _that_ night.

Remus cleared his throat, his cheeks flushing slightly. "Hey, Fabian right?"

"Ahh so you do remember me."

"I didn’t realise you knew James and Lily."

"I work with Marlene; I’ve met Lily a few times and she invited my brother and I along tonight.’ Fabian shrugged slightly. ‘Is this a little awkward for you?."

"Why would it be?" Remus asked, opening the fridge and contemplating a beer but swiftly deciding whisky was a better choice for the kind of night this was turning into and grabbing a bottle from the cabinet instead.

"I don’t want to get in the way of you and Black." Fabian had moved forward so he was stood beside Remus, hip resting against the counter as he watched him poor the drink.

Remus looked at him, startled. "What? There is no me and Sirius."

Fabian raised an eyebrow, "So he just gets that jealous with everyone does he?"

"I don’t - he wasn’t jealous."

Fabian snorted. "Sure, okay. He just wanted to stop you flirting with someone else all the while staring at your arse."

Remus looked at him for a second before shaking his head. "I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, but you’re not getting in the way of anything."

"Well that’s a relief." Fabian leaned in, his lips just brushing Remus’ before James’ voice hollered through from the living room.

"MOONY! Get your cute little butt back in here, we’re gonna play a game."

Remus pulled away from Fabian with a groan, "We better go back in before James comes and drags us out."

Fabian grinned, "Fine; but don’t disappear on me this time, gorgeous."

Remus blushed slightly but grinned as he grabbed his glass off the counter and headed back into the living room, flopping down onto the sofa next to Lily who smirked at him.

"Having fun?" She asked, her eyes following Fabian as he sat in an armchair across the room. Remus shrugged, unable to fully suppress his eye roll. He noticed Sirius glaring at Fabian but the redhead merely raised an eyebrow at him and Sirius looked away, downing his glass of whiskey, only to have it topped up immediately by Marlene, who had produced a bottle from seemingly nowhere.

"Right, my darlings," began James, a glint of mischief in his eyes. "Time for a good old fashioned drinking game to get us all a lil tipsy."

"I think you’re already there mate." Peter said, grinning as James shushed him dramatically.

"Shush my little friend. Drinking time now."

"What are we playing Prongs?" Sirius said, also smiling at the state of his best friend.

"Do you really need to ask?"

Marlene rolled her eyes. "Not 'I have never', come on James you always want to play that."

"Because it’s so fun! And we haven’t played in ages."

"No James-"

"This stopped being fun years ago, mate."

"Oh come on; it’ll be a laugh." Tonks piped up, grinning as James gestured to her enthusiastically. "I haven’t played this with you lot for years; it’ll be good to see how much more fucked up stuff you’ve all done since then."

There were a few more good-natured grumbles before everyone seemed to shrug and go along with one of James’ harebrained schemes, as always.

"Oh beautiful, most precious Mr Moony." James said, beaming at Remus as he leaned back against Lily, who had moved to sit next to him. "You may have the honour of going first."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because you, my darling, were late." Lily said, grinning at his disgruntled expression.

"Fine, fine." Remus grumbled. "I have never forced my friends to play a game designed for 16 year olds because I got too drunk before they all arrived."

James mock glared at him but took a large gulp of his beer. He turned to Lily and whispered loud enough for the whole room to hear, "Moony’s grumpy."

Remus rolled his eyes but couldn’t help laughing at James.

The game continued for longer than it should have until everyone was very far past drunk and the stories were starting to get dirtier and dirtier.

"Okay, okay." Peter slurred, furrowing his brow as he tried to come up with something no one had said yet. "I have never…had a threeway."

There was a slight pause as everyone looked at each other then Sirius, Marlene and Dorcas all drank. There were whoops and giggles around the circle and Dorcas ducked her head slightly, burying it in Marlene’s shoulder. Marlene and Sirius, of course, looked supremely unconcerned.

"Together?!" Peter asked, staring at the three of them like they had grown extra heads.

"Of course together, Wormy." Sirius grinned, the alcohol making his cheeks flushed and eyes bright.

"Since when did Dork like guys?" Mary asked.

"I don’t really…" Dorcas shrugged, still looking embarrassed.

"It was our anniversary a few weeks ago and we wanted to try something different." Marlene grinned. "Sirius was very obliging."

"I do what I can." Sirius laughed.

Remus tried to smile along with his friends and ignore the anger and jealously swirling in his stomach.

_He’s not yours; he can do what he wants. You were flirting with someone else less than an hour ago, stop being such a damn hypocrite._

"Mary, Mary, Mary." James sang. "Please try to choose something to get everyone drinking."

"That shouldn’t be too hard." Mary smirked, "I have never slept with someone in this room."

There was a general rumble of laughter as James, Lily, Marlene, Dorcas and Sirius all drank. Sirius’ eyes flickered towards Remus, something indecipherable in their depths. They had never been public about their relationship, or whatever they were calling it. Remus thought that James probably knew, but that was only because Sirius and James told each other everything and it would be surprising if this wasn't included. They’d never told any of the others, or even let it slip during games like this.

But Remus was _tired_ ; tired of pretending it hadn’t happened. Tired of acting like it was nothing. If Marlene and Dorcas could admit to sleeping with Sirius, why couldn’t he? Supposedly it wasn’t any different.

Sirius’ grey eyes were boring into his when he lifted his glass to his lips and took a gulp.

There was a moment before everyone seemed to realise that Remus had taken a drink and then an outbreak of catcalls and laughter erupted from the group.

Lily was frowning at him but he shook his head at her minutely as James finally managed to speak through his giggles, "Remus Moony Lupin! You shock us." He narrowed his eyes and looked around the room. "Who, who, who?"

Everyone was looking at him and he felt an instant rush of regret; this was exactly what he didn’t want to think about right now but his stupid drunk brain had decided that now was a good time to bring it all up. Sirius was staring at him, stony faced, fingers clenched tightly around the glass he was holding.

"Ooh I know!" Mary sat up straighter, staring at him with a calculating expression. "There was a rumour at Hogwarts about you and Lily…"

Everyone turned to stare at Lily, but Remus just rolled his eyes, ignoring the anxious flip in his stomach. "Nice try McDonald; you know the rumour mill at Hogwarts was all bullshit."

He didn’t look at Lily as he said this; they had decided to never tell anyone about the fact that they’d taken each others’ virginities in fifth year. It was long before James had become serious about actually asking Lily out, and Remus had just confessed to her, for the one and only time in his life, that he had feelings for Sirius that weren't going away. As luck would have it James had declared his genuine feelings for Lily just a few days later and Remus had sworn he would never say a word.

He guessed that James probably knew by now but, even if he did, it wasn’t Remus’ place to bring it up in front of all their friends.

"Who was it then?" Marlene asked, gazing at him suspiciously.

Remus glanced at Sirius who was still glaring at him. After a moment’s pause Sirius cleared his throat and said, "It was me."

There was a moment of shocked silence and any hope Remus had that his friends had known all along was dashed. Feeling suddenly bad that he’d forced Sirius to admit this in front of everyone, Remus muttered, "It was only a few times."

Sirius’ eyes snapped towards him, sparkling with a something that looked almost like hurt. He almost managed to keep it out of his voice and sounded only vaguely irritated when he said, "It was much more than a few times, Rem. If we’re gonna tell the truth, why not the whole truth?"

"Woah, woah let’s just back up a minute.’ James spluttered, looking from one to the other with wide eyes. "You two have been having sex? As in you-" he pointed at Sirius, "-and you?!" He swirled around to point at Remus.

Remus bristled slightly. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"Because it’s you two!" Peter exclaimed, looking amused. "You’re our best mates; we all lived together for years, how did we not know this?"

"We weren’t doing it at Hogwarts." Sirius said, rolling his eyes and draining his glass.

"When was it?"

"First year of uni." Remus said, already cursing his own stupidity for bringing this up.

"Until…when?" James asked, his eyes narrowed and still glancing between the pair of them. Lily was staring at Remus, her eyebrows furrowed, but he refused to meet her gaze, knowing what she was thinking.

"Um…" Remus muttered, glancing at Sirius.

"Well if you really want to know Prongs, the last time we fucked was a few weeks ago after the three of us went to The Three Broomsticks and you bailed early."

Fabian’s head snapped up at that and he raised an eyebrow at Remus, who flushed slightly.

There was a moment of silence before Marlene burst out laughing and before long Tonks, Dorcas and Peter had loudly joined in. James was grinning, still looking a little perplexed. Fabian was looking distinctly put out and Lily was staring at Remus with an indecipherable expression on her face.

"So boys,’ Marlene gasped between giggles, ‘how was it?"

Both Remus and Sirius flushed and looked at each other. Sirius, seemingly in spite of himself, grinned a little; the first genuine smile he’d aimed at Remus since that night. "You’ll need to buy me another drink to hear all the gory details I’m afraid McKinnon."

"Oh come on Sirius, since when were you shy?" Marlene teased. Tonks was staring at Sirius with wide eyes and kept shooting what she clearly thought were subtle glances in Remus’ direction.

Sirius half-glanced at Remus again, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "Well, Remus can get quite…ah…shall we say _dominant?"_

"OKAY." Remus pushed himself out of his chair on less than steady legs. "That’s my cue to go for a smoke I think."

He stumbled towards the door to the small balcony at the other end of the room, ignoring the catcalls behind him. Once outside, he leaned against the brick of the building and fumbled for his cigarettes, pulling one out and lighting it as he looked into the rain-soaked night, enjoying the cool breeze against his overheated skin.

He was brought out of his reverie by the sound of the balcony door opening, and looked up to see Lily slip through it, pulling a thick scarf securely around her shoulders and looking at him sternly.

"Don’t." Remus muttered, taking a long drag on his cigarette.

"Rem, why didn’t you tell me?"

"Because I knew you’d do this!" He snapped, gesturing at her. "I knew it was a dumb idea and I wasn’t ready for you to tell me so."

"Does he know?" she asked quietly.

Remus just shrugged. "I don’t know. No? I’ve never said it, but the other night..." He stubbed out his cigarette and ran a hand through his hair. "The last time we slept together; it felt different. Yeah okay, we were both drunk but it didn’t feel so much like fucking as it did…making love. It doesn't usually feel like that."

He cleared his throat, quickly dismissing the small hopeful voice that said it wasn't the only time it had felt like that with Sirius. He shook his head, "It’s stupid to think he felt that though."

"He worships you Remus." Lily murmured, taking his hand and linking their fingers together.

Remus snorted. "As a friend. The way he does with James and Pete, and you."

"It’s not the same." She said quietly, still looking at him steadily.

Remus just shrugged and cast about for anything else he could say. "I’m sorry I drank to that though. I shouldn’t have forced Sirius to talk about it and I shouldn’t put you in that position either."

Lily’s mouth titled up into a small smile. "It's okay, I knew you didn’t mean me. We agreed not to say anything and I know you respect that."

"Does James know?" Remus asked.

Lily shifted uncomfortably. "I - yes he does. I know we agreed but-"

"Lils, you don’t have to explain." Remus smiled tiredly at her. "You’re married; he has a right to know. I thought you must have told him, but he’s never mentioned it."

‘No, I mean he wasn’t too happy.’ Lily shrugged. ‘But that was more because he didn’t know about it before.’

Remus nodded and opened his mouth to reply before the door was being pushed open again and Sirius squeezed himself into the small space. ‘Mind if I have a word with him Lils?’ he asked, giving her a small smile.

‘Course not. I’ll see you both in a bit’. She gave Remus a loaded look before slipping back through the door into the warmth of the living room, closing the door behind her.

Remus turned slightly to face Sirius, his arms curving around his middle unconsciously. Sirius was looking at him steadily.

"So," he began, his voice hard. "That was fun."

"Pads," Remus began.

"No, no Rem; I mean it. I really love talking about something that’s supposed to be _private_ in front of all our friends and your new boy toy."

Remus rolled his eyes, his irritation rising. "He’s not my new boy toy, for fucks sake. I'm sorry I brought it up okay, but does it really matter if everyone knows?"

"Maybe I didn’t want everyone to know, ever think of that?" Sirius snapped.

"And why’s that?" Remus shouted, the drink only serving to amplify his voice. "Got something to hide? Or are you just that ashamed of me?"

Sirius looked startled. "What are you talking about?"

Sirius was looking genuinely confused but Remus was on a roll. Everything he'd been feeling for the past few years; all the frustration of being so close to the thing he wanted and never being allowed to have it; of never even talking about whether that would be possible, spilling over.

"Oh don’t worry Sirius; I understand by now. I’m just a fuck right? Not the most exciting, not the most attractive, certainly not the first choice. But I’m convenient and willing and I’ll _just do_ for the night until someone better comes along, right? But god forbid anyone actually know about us, wouldn’t want your reputation sullied by having people know you’d stoop so low now, would we?"

Remus was panting hard, his eyes stinging and his hands balled into fists at his side. He knew he’d been shouting and the noise from the living room had ceased, but he couldn't find it in himself to care if everyone was listening.

"That's - that's not-" Sirius stammered, but Remus overrode him.

"No, no; it's been long enough that I understand now. You can do whatever the fuck you want and who cares about anyone else, right? Don't stop for a minute to think about what it might be doing to someone else, as long as you're having fun then everything's just fucking fine!"

Sirius was staring at him with a mixture of shock and anger. He was silent for a moment before speaking quietly, his voice shaking, "You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about."

"Oh fuck you Sirius; I understand perfectly."

"Maybe if you took your head out of your arse long enough to take a look around you, you’d realise that maybe you don’t have the faintest _clue_ what’s going on." Sirius hissed and shoved past Remus and back into the house.

Remus leaned against the wall for a few minutes, taking in deep lungful of the cold air and trying to blink away the tears that clouded his vision. Once the noise inside had risen enough for him to go relatively unnoticed, he slipped back through the door and headed straight to the kitchen. Pouring himself a large whiskey, he downed it in one, grimacing slightly, before immediately helping himself to another.

Many, many hours later, he woke to a pounding headache and the sunlight streaming in through the half-closed curtains, and illuminating his messy room. Turning over he realised he was not alone; beside him there was a naked someone who was decidedly not Sirius Black, in his bed.

_Fuck._

__________________________

**_Why can't I say that I'm in love?_ **

**_Why can't I shout it from the rooftops?_ **

**_I wish that it could be like that_ **

**_Why can't it be like that_ **

**_'Cause I'm yours_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our poor oblivious boys! This is obviously all Remus' perspective as I find him easier to write, but I'm wondering what you think about having a chapter or two from Sirius' POV? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed; thank you so much to those who commented and left kudos it means the world! I'll try to be quicker with the next chapter, but we'll see! Stay safe everyone x
> 
> Song for this chapter is Secret Love Song by Little Mix.


	3. Who Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this much later than I would've planned but life very much got in the way! I've just moved house, was without wifi for a few weeks and then someone I was very close to passed away so it's been a difficult few weeks, but I apologise for the wait on this chapter!

**_When someone said, count your blessings now_ **

**_For they're long gone_ **

**_I guess I just didn't know how_ **

**_I was all wrong_ **

**_They knew better, still you said forever_ **

**_And ever_ **

**_Who knew?_ **

__________________________

_Fuckity fucking shit._

Remus did not cope well with hangovers. He coped even less well when he was also uncomfortably aware of how much of a colossal mistake he'd just made.

Glancing over at the person still asleep beside him, he couldn’t help cursing his own drunken stupidity. He’d recognise that pink hair anywhere.

He pushed himself into a sitting position as Tonks stirred, rolling onto her back and rubbing at her eyes. Remus cleared his throat slightly and she started, moving her arm away from her face and groaning when she saw him.

"Erm, morning." Remus said quietly, thoroughly unsure as to how to proceed.

"Morning Lupin. Fuck, this is so bad." Remus privately agreed but just raised an eyebrow at her. "I mean not bad per say, just ...um…" She trailed off.

‘No you’re right; this is bad.’ Remus said, flopping back onto the pillows.

"Right?" Tonks shook her head. "I don't want to get in the way of you and Sirius; I was just drunk and…fuck it you’re cute so…"

"There is no me and Sirius." Remus muttered; why was everyone suddenly convinced that there was?

Tonks snorted. "Oh please; you two were eye-fucking all night. At least until you blew up on the balcony."

Remus groaned and buried his face in his pillow at the memory of shouting at Sirius loud enough for the whole building to hear.

"I've really fucked up." He muttered.

Tonks patted his back awkwardly. "Yeah."

Remus rolled over. "Yeah? Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Tonks merely grinned. "Don’t come to me if you want it sugar-coating sweetheart."

"Duly noted."

Tonks swung her legs over the side of the bed and fumbled around on the floor for a minute before extracting her t-shirt and pulling it over her head.

"Well, I think this has been suitably awkward." She said, flashing Remus a grin as she pulled her jeans and shoes on. "But I’m gonna get going; don’t really think this is the morning to stay for breakfast with the cousin."

"Right." Remus muttered, his insides fluttering unpleasantly at the thought of Sirius and the look on his face when Remus had shouted at him last night. However angry Remus was with him, having sex with Sirius' cousin was not a good idea.

"You two need to sort yourselves out." Tonks said as she pulled her jeans on.

Remus sat up, rubbing at his pounding head. "I don't even know what we _are_ anymore and this-" he gestured between them, "-is not going to make things easier."

"Do you think he'll care?"

Remus gaped at her. "Are you serious? Yeah I think he's gonna be pretty pissed."

"Okay, so if he cares about what happened between us don't you think that tells you something?"

"Yeah that Sirius Black doesn't like to share his toys."

"Oh, cut it out Lupin." Tonks said, looking at him with a more serious expression than Remus had ever seen from her. "He's not like that, you know he's not. You wouldn't have been friends with him for over a decade if he was."

"It's what it feels like sometimes." Remus muttered, fiddling with the corner of the blanket.

"Okay, and that's partly on him, I'm not defending him, the way he's been acting hasn't been great. But don't you think part of it might be how you're looking at it?" Tonks said, her voice was kind even as she was forcing Remus to confront a distinctly uncomfortable truth. "You assume the worst of him because you don't think anyone could ever want you."

Remus stared at her for a moment. "No, I - that's not-"

"I'm not blaming you or judging you for that; it's not my place to figure out why you think like that. But I'm not wrong, am I?" She said quietly. "I think you're blaming him for this mess you've got yourselves into, but you haven't stopped to think about it from his point of view. Maybe the secrecy, the constant flirting with other people and keeping you at arms-length is all a way to protect himself."

"Tonks-"

"Look at the family he had, look at what he grew up in. Maybe he doesn't think anyone could love him either." Tonks shrugged and offered him a small smile. "I'm just saying you need to talk to him and actually be honest for once _._ What's the point in dancing around the truth when you just end up hurting each other?"

There was a pause while Remus digested everything she'd said. It was hard to hear and his initial reaction was to be defensive, but when he stopped and actually listened to what she was saying, he had to admit there could be some truth in it. He was scared, he was so scared that he would mess up their friendship that he'd never said anything, never put himself out there.

"But why would he go out with all these other people if he was even slightly interested in being with me?" Remus said, unable to quite let this issue go.

"Not everyone's like you Rem, people deal with situations differently." She shrugged again and stood up, grabbing her phone from the bedside table and sliding it into her jeans pocket. "And I think you're vastly overestimating how many other people he's actually been with in the last few months."

Remus shook his head, it was too early and he was far too hungover to try to figure out the mess that was his relationship with Sirius Black.

"Look I really need to get going, I said I'd go to mum's for lunch before my train back." She grabbed her shoes from by the door and gave him a small smile. "It was good seeing you Remus."

He managed a small smile, "Right back at you."

She hesitated a moment before leaning over and kissing Remus on the forehead, smiling slightly as she left the room.

***

Sirius sat at the kitchen table, two steaming mugs in front of him, his leg bouncing under the table with nerves. He was tired and a little hungover, but not enough to enable him to forget the words Remus had shouted at him the night before.

_Not the most exciting, not the most attractive, certainly not the first choice._

He closed his eyes, wrapping his hands around the mug in front of him and trying to focus on the warmth seeping into his fingers. He couldn’t understand how Remus could ever think he felt that way-

 _No_. That was unfair; now he’d had a bit of time to think about it, he could see _exactly_ how Remus had come to that conclusion. He’d never really thought about their relationship from Remus’ point of view as being anything other than exactly what he wanted. Remus was so closed off with his feelings that it sometimes seemed like he didn’t care. He’d never responded to Sirius’ flirting unless they were in bed, he never showed any jealousy no matter how much Sirius tried to provoke him and he always, _always_ left before Sirius was even out of his post-orgasm glow.

Sirius had been operating under the illusion that Remus was perfectly fine with their casual arrangement and even felt awkward and embarrassed about it afterwards. That illusion had been completely shattered when Remus stood in front of the him on the Potters’ balcony, shouting words Sirius had never imagined him saying.

_I’m convenient and willing and I’ll just do for the night, won’t I? Until someone better comes along._

Sirius felt shame bubbling up as those words replayed in his head again and again. Remus wasn’t just anyone, he never had been. Remus wasn’t his last choice, wasn’t the one he settled for when there was no one else.

 _Remus_ was the one he really wanted. The one he compared everyone else to, knowing that all of them would fall short.

It had been a bad idea; entering into a casual relationship with a friend was always risky and doing it with someone you had feelings for was downright stupid. Sirius had always found Remus attractive, hell he finally admitted to himself that he was bisexual when he couldn’t stop looking at the way those caramel curls fell across Remus’ forehead or the strong line of his jaw leading down to his neck which Sirius was always itching to cover in kisses and marks of his own.

It hadn’t been until they’d started messing around that Sirius’ feelings had developed into something more. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment when it happened, but suddenly all he could think about was Remus; the way he throws his head back when he laughs in that rare way that only happens when he truly lets himself relax and let go. The way he bites his lip when he’s pouring over a textbook, that little twinkle in his eyes when he's trying not to laugh at some stupid thing Sirius has said. The way he looks at him under cover of darkness, when it's just the two of them amid the damp sheets and it feels like the rest of the world just fades away.

Sirius blinked and tightened his grip around the mug in front of him, trying to forget how Remus looked in his bed, the morning light spilling across his bare skin. He needed to make this right; clearly his attempts to hide his feelings and keep things casual because he thought that was what _Remus_ wanted, had backfired. Rather spectacularly at that.

There was a small part of him that couldn't help the hope that Remus' blowing up at him last night meant that maybe his feelings weren't as unrequited as he'd always thought. _Maybe Remus actually wants me too-_

 _Stop._ He needed to fix their relationship, to make sure that Remus knew how incredible and special he was. Sirius valued their friendship above anything else; keeping Remus at arms length and pretending that he didn't feel like his heart was going to explode every time they were together had been his way of trying to preserve that friendship. He could see now that wasn't what he had been doing at all and all it had looked like was that he didn't care about Remus and was just using him. He had to make his friend see that nothing could be further from the truth. Never having Remus the way he wanted was something he had come to terms with years ago, but he couldn't stand to lose him as a friend. He wouldn't let that happen.

The sound of Remus' door opening and footsteps in the hallway made Sirius jerk his head up suddenly, his heart pounding in his chest as he waited for Remus' sleepy and probably hungover face to appear in the kitchen. That was not the sight that greeted him however, when the person made their way through the door.

"Oh, er, morning." Tonks said, smiling sheepishly at Sirius who was staring at her dumbfounded.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

Tonks shifted uncomfortably, dropping her boots on the floor and sliding her feet into them and what was clearly an effort to avoid looking at him. "I'd ask what it looks like but I'm sure you've already figured it out."

"You - you and _Remus_?"

Tonks looked up at him a slight flush on her face. "What do you care?"

"I - I don't!" Sirius spluttered, feeling his own face heat, his heart hammering. _What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck-_

Tonks sighed and rolled her eyes. "You two need to talk."

"What the hell for? I doubt my company is what he wants after the pleasure of yours." Sirius snapped, feeling bad for the harsh words the instant they came out of his mouth.

Tonks merely gave him a supremely unimpressed look and he lowered his gaze. "Sorry, that was uncalled for. I'm just - surprised. You're my _cousin_ -"

"If you're jealous you need to tell him."

"I'm not _jealous_ -"

"Oh for god's sake Sirius, of course you are!" Tonks said, her exasperation clear. "You have been in love with that boy since the minute he stumbled into your life and the pair of you need to stop with these games." She smiled softly. "Look I'm sorry about this, last night was...it was a mistake. For both of us. We were drunk and it just kind of happened, and I am sorry that I've made things worse for the two of you."

"There is no two of us." Sirius muttered, feeling completely thrown with how the morning was turning out.

"Yes there is." Tonks walked over and pulled him up into a hug, Sirius' arms automatically wrapped around her as well.

"I'm mad at you, you know." Sirius said, the smile in his voice betraying his words.

"I know." Tonks said pulling back. "Don't mess this one up, Black."

Sirius looked at her for a minute before nodding, he had no intention of messing this up again. "You should probably get going before Andi breaks down the door to drag you to lunch."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you soon." She said, slipping out the front door with a wave just as the sound of another door opening echoed down the hall.

Sirius took a deep breath and sat back down at the table, wrapping his hands once more around the now cold mug in front of him.

Moments later a rather dishevelled-looking Remus entered the kitchen, still in the sweats and faded grey t-shirt he wore to sleep in. Sirius felt a mixture of longing and fierce jealously when he thought about why those caramel curls were so adorably messy.

"Morning Moons." Sirius said quietly, feeling a selfish sort of satisfaction when Remus started and a look of guilt flashed across his face at the sight of Sirius sat waiting for him.

"Um, hi," He ran a hand through his hair in a nervous habit he had definitely picked up from James. "Did- did you see-?"

"My cousin? Yep, nice of you to keep it in the family."

"Pads-"

"Don't, okay?" Sirius didn't think he'd be this angry about it. He hadn't felt it when he was talking to Tonks, but then again he wasn't insanely in love with her. "It was a mistake, you were drunk, Tonks already said."

"Okay then." Remus walked over and picked his mug up off the table, taking a sip and grimacing when the cold tea hit his tongue.

"Is that it?" Sirius snapped as Remus flicked the kettle on to make a fresh cup.

"What do you want me to say Sirius?" Remus turned, leaning against the counter and looking at Sirius with an almost sad expression on his face.

"You hurt me."

"Yeah? Well, you hurt me too!" Remus shouted, anger clouding his expression and Sirius felt the words like a punch in the gut. "What I said last night, I fucking meant it Sirius. You have made me feel like I am worth exactly _nothing_ to you for the past however many years. So, honestly, whoever I decide to fuck is none of your damn business."

Sirius held back the urge to snap back; this wasn't how he wanted this to go. He needed to apologise. He had it all mapped out in his head, how he needed to explain himself to Remus, needed to make him see that he was wrong and how sorry Sirius was for the way he'd been acting.

But now he was hurt too and he was angry and what he really wanted was to shout and scream and ask Remus _how_ could he sleep with someone else after everything he had said last night. And not just anyone but _Sirius' damn cousin._

"Do you really have nothing to say?" Remus asked, his voice calmer now but no less angry.

"I have plenty I want to say." Sirius said, fighting to control his voice. Getting angry with Remus was only going to make things worse. "But I'm angry now and I don't think this is the right way to do this."

He turned to walk away, but Remus pushed himself off the counter and grabbed his arm, spinning Sirius around until they were almost nose to nose. Sirius immediately took a step back and Remus' frown deepened.

"You don't get to just walk away from this, _again_." Remus said.

"I'm not trying to walk away-"

"Right, I'm supposed to believe you actually want to talk about this?"

"Yes I do!" Sirius shouted, his emotions slipping from his control the longer Remus looked at him with a mixture of anger and hurt that Sirius had never expected to see directed at himself. "You have no idea how much I want to talk about this. I've spent the whole fucking morning thinking about what you said last night; going over and over those words you shouted at me on that balcony."

Sirius took another step back and rubbed a hand wearily over his face. "I couldn't believe it when you said those things; I couldn't imagine how you felt that way when nothing could be further from the truth. But then I thought about it, I spent all night thinking about it to be honest and I started to understand. You felt that way because that's the way _I made you feel_. And I wanted to talk to you about it today, I wanted to explain. Fuck Rem, I wanted to apologise; to get on my knees and beg you to forgive me for ever making you feel like you don't matter, because you are the most important person in my life."

The anger had faded from Remus' face and he was looking at Sirius with an unreadable expression on his face. Sirius huffed out a laugh devoid of any humour; hadn't that always been the problem? They were both so emotionally scarred that they closed themselves off completely. Maybe if he had been able to read Remus better, been able to tell what he was thinking, they wouldn't have ended up here.

"Sirius I - I don't know what to say."

"I know you don't." Sirius said quietly. "Because we're not having that conversation now. Now I'm hurt and I know you're still angry with me and if we do this now we'll both end up saying things we'll regret."

Remus looked at him steadily, still with that indecipherable look on his face. "Are we ever going to talk about it?"

Sirius took a deep breath and moved forwards, reaching out tentatively to take Remus' hand. He held his breath, certain for a moment that Remus was going to pull away.

Remus raised an eyebrow at him before slipping his hand into Sirius' and twining their fingers together. Sirius let out a breath and managed a small laugh.

"Yeah, we'll talk about it. Soon." Sirius whispered.

"Right."

"We _will._ I promise, I think we just both need a bit of time; we're angry and that's not the way I want to do this. I want to make this better I don't want to keep going round and round in circles when we both end up hurting each other."

The corner of Remus' mouth lifted slightly, "Since when were you the sensible one?"

"Only when it comes to you."

Remus failed to supress his grin, "Don't say things like that it'll make me think you actually like me."

Sirius squeezed his hand. "You have no idea."

Remus laughed before the smile fell from his face and he slipped his hand from Sirius'. "So what do we do now?"

"I don't know." Sirius said quietly, "Take some time I guess? Maybe for once in our lives try to just be good friends to each other."

Remus nodded, "I think we can manage that."

Sirius smiled; there was still so much left unsaid. Hurt feelings and angry words that wasn't just going to go away because they were now smiling at each other in the kitchen, but it was a start.

There was an awkward silence before Remus moved to pick up the battered old guitar in the corner, holding it out to Sirius who took it with his eyebrows raised.

Remus just shrugged, "When we don't know what to say we always write."

"You always write." Sirius muttered, even as he sat down on the sofa and started to pluck at the chords.

"Okay, I write and you sing." Remus said, dropping down in the chair opposite and curling his legs up under him. "We've never been great at the talking thing, so lets just play some music and write something new, yeah?"

"I have actually been working on a few things." Sirius shrugged, feeling the corners of his mouth lifting in a smile, almost despite himself.

"Of course you have, let's hear it then."

Sirius started going through the first few lines of music, having played and re-played these notes so many times over the past few weeks it was almost second nature.

He looked up at Remus as he did so, those green eyes fixed on his own and in that moment, even with everything that was still keeping them apart, Sirius knew that where Remus Lupin was concerned this was it for him. There was no going back.

__________________________

**_That last kiss I’ll cherish until we meet again,_ **

**_And time makes it harder_ **

**_I wish I could remember._ **

**_But I keep your memory,_ **

**_You visit me in my sleep_ **

**_My darling, who knew?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter really hard to write and it took me quite a few rewrites to get it to a point that I was happy to post it. I struggle writing from Sirius' point of view, but I thought it was important to get his view across. Sirius was very much portrayed as a classic fuckboy in the previous chapters but that's because that was Remus' point of view and how he was seeing it; Remus' feelings in the beginning of this fic are very much based on my own experiences and it takes a while to realise that there actually are two sides to every story. 
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter and it hopefully won't be too long before I can post the next one. As always thank you for the comments and kudos; I read and love them all. Stay safe my lovelies x
> 
> Song for this chapter is Who Knew by the amazing P!nk


	4. Just Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not good at trying to post regularly...but finally here's another chapter! It's a little short, but the next chapter should be up soon, I've got it already mostly written. Hope you all enjoy, as always thank you for the comments and kudos I love them all and love love hearing what you guys think so keep em coming!

**_Just tonight I will stay and we'll throw it all away_ **

**_When the light hits your eyes, its telling me I'm right_ **

**_And if I, I am through its all because of you_ **

**_Just tonight_ **

__________________________

Remus barely saw Sirius over the next couple of days. It felt like they were in a weird sort of limbo where there was so much that had gone unsaid, so much Remus wanted to explain to the other man but every time he picked up the phone to message Sirius, the words seemed to dry up and he'd end up setting the phone down again with a sigh.

About a week after the disastrous night at the Potters, Remus found himself sitting on the floor in Lily and James' living room, back resting against the armchair Lily was curled up in, a glass of wine in his hand while he listened to Marlene and Dorcas talk about the new flat they were getting together.

"Okay, time to address the elephant in the room." Marlene said, fixing Remus with a singularly determined look.

"This doesn't bode well." He muttered, draining his glass and reaching for the bottle on the coffee table.

"No it doesn't." Marlene said, looking at him expectantly. Remus just raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh come on Lupin! You have got to explain what's going on with Sirius."

"There's nothing going on with Sirius."

"God, you're like a robot. What's actually happening?" Dorcas said, rolling her eyes at him.

Remus sighed. "Sirius and I started sleeping together at the beginning of university, I got feelings, he didn't. I spent years feeling like I was being used and being pathetic about it and I just...lost my patience the other night."

"That's one way to put it." Marlene muttered, glaring at Dorcas when she elbowed her in the ribs.

"And Tonks?" Dorcas prompted.

Remus sighed, apparently he wasn't going to be let off that easily. "Tonks."

"What were you thinking?" Dorcas asked.

"Dee-" Marlene began, frowning at her girlfriend.

"Sorry I don't wanna judge you, but his cousin? You literally couldn't have made things more complicated if you tried."

"I know." Remus groaned, leaning his head back against the armrest of the chair behind him. "Nothing against Dora, she's a great person and she's so chill things haven't been awkward at all, but..."

"But?" Dorcas prompted, giving him a look that said she already knew exactly what he was thinking.

Remus glared at her, "Are you really going to make me say it?"

She smiled, "I guess not."

"Lils you're being unusually quiet." Remus murmured, rolling his head to the side to look at her.

"I don't think there's anything I can say that's going to make you sort this out."

Remus sat up properly look turn and look at her. "That's a bit harsh."

"Rem," She sighed, "You knew getting involved with Sirius was a bad idea, you knew that continuing your...arrangement with him once you developed feelings was a bad idea. You knew that sleeping with Tonks was a bad idea and you did it all anyway."

"Okay, that was blunt." Remus definitely needed more wine.

Lily smiled softly at him, "Only because I love you."

"Yeah, cheers."

"Look Remus, what you need to do is talk to Sirius and both be honest about what you want. No matter how scary it is."

"We kind of talked, he said there's a lot we both need to say but he doesn't want to do it while we're angry with each other."

"Are you angry?"

"I don't know." Remus said honestly, "I was, I think it's obvious how angry I was, but I think it was just because I had all of these feelings building up for so long that I just burst. And I - I think Sirius genuinely didn't know how I felt."

"He shouldn't have led you on-" Lily started but Remus shook his head.

"Trust me I've said that to myself over and over again for years, but I've spent a lot of time thinking over the past couple of days and I realised I'd never looked at it from his point of view. We agreed on an arrangement and as far as he was aware I was still happy with it. I never said anything, I never acted in a way that would indicate I was angry or hurting or jealous, because I was too afraid that letting any of that show would make it obvious that my feelings for him ran deeper."

Lily was still frowning slightly and Remus offered her a small smile. "I don't know where we stand now, but Sirius is not solely to blame for the mess we've made of our relationship. I'm at fault too."

There was a slight pause before Lily said quietly, "Okay."

"Okay." Remus let out a long breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding; it was good to talk things over with his friends but he'd spent every minute since he'd woken up next to Tonks thinking about Sirius and how to fix things between them. He needed a break. "Let's move on; I've monopolised enough of this conversation."

Marlene laughed and offered round more wine, Lily the only one declining. It was only then Remus realised she hadn't touched a drop. "Alright Lil?"

"Yeah," She said, fiddling with the hem of the oversized Gryffindor shirt she wore which most definitely belonged to James. "There is something I wanted to tell you guys actually."

Remus sat forwards, turning so he could see her properly. She was still fiddling with the t-shirt as if she couldn't keep still and there was a nervous flush evident on her pale skin.

"Is everything okay?" Dorcas asked, her voice soft and full of concern.

"Yeah, I - everything's good. I think." She let out a long breath and looked up at them all before blurting out the words as if she hadn't meant to say them aloud, "I'm pregnant."

There was a pause as the news sunk in and Lily's eyebrows started to draw together with worry, before Marlene let out a loud whoop, breaking the tension somewhat and making the other three laugh.

"Congratulations!" Dorcas said, beaming as Marlene bounded towards the kitchen in search of something bubbly to celebrate with.

"Lily that's amazing!" Remus exclaimed, grinning widely as he stood and wrapped Lily in a tight hug.

"We need a toast!" Marlene exclaimed, excitedly pushing glasses into each of their hands.

"Er Marls, this is milk?" Remus laughed.

Marlene flapped her arms at him dismissively. "Well there isn't any champagne and Lily can't have alcohol now...and it's bad luck to toast with water, come on just drink it!"

"Okay okay," Remus turned and raised his glass, still grinning wider than he had in weeks, hell months. "To Lily, James and the newest member of our family; we couldn't be happier for you Lils you're going to be an amazing mother. To the first in a long line of little baby Potters!"

Lily laughed as the others cheered and they all toasted, draining their glasses.

"Okay maybe milk was a weird choice." Marlene muttered, grimacing at her glass.

"Our family?" Lily muttered, her smile turning soft.

Remus felt himself flush a little but just shrugged "Yeah _our_ family. That baby is going to be so fucking loved, by all of us. We're a family Lil, that's never going to change."

"Sap." Lily teased. Remus rolled his eyes but he could see her smiling.

"What did James say?" Dorcas asked as they all settled back in their chairs.

"He completely freaked out," Lily said, "I mean it's fair enough, we're still so young and it's not something we ever would have planned at this age. But then, after he'd thought about it for a bit...he was so fucking excited." Lily's smile was beautiful as she spoke about James, her hands curving unconsciously over her stomach. "You know what he's like."

Remus grinned, he did indeed know exactly what James was like and could easily picture what his reaction had been. James was practically born to be a father; he loved kids and was generous and kind and ridiculous and everything a parent should be. Remus felt genuinely excited for the first time in...he didn't know how long. This news, a _baby_ , was so amazing; there were bigger things in life. He'd made a mess of his relationship with the first person he'd ever fallen in love with, but more importantly he had lost one of his best friends. He needed to make this right.

***

When he got back to the flat that night, he wasn't surprised to find it empty. Sirius had been spending a lot of time out in the evenings and with the baby bomb from Lily, it made more sense. But it still felt a little like Sirius was avoiding him.

_You're avoiding him too._

The unwelcome thought flashed across his mind and he mentally shook himself, kicking an old pair of shoes out of the way a little more harshly than needed as he made his way through the dark hall. He didn't even bother to look in the living room; he knew Sirius wouldn't be there. Remus went straight to his room and stripped down, not bothering with pyjamas. He needed to calm down and sleep, he was never going to be able to talk to Sirius when he was feeling like this. Sirius had been right before; trying to figure things out when they were angry was never going to work.

It wasn't late when he heard the front door open and Sirius' footsteps in the living room, toeing off his shoes and flicking on the kettle. The soothing sounds of him putting around the kitchen making tea almost lulled Remus back to sleep, before moving down the small hallway. He heard them stop outside his door and closed his eyes, unsure whether or not he was hoping Sirius would knock.

Sure enough though, there was a quiet knock on the door and it opened slightly, Remus didn't move from his position with his back to the door but heard the door closed softly. There was the sound of a mug being placed carefully on the bedside table and a rustle of clothing before he felt Sirius slip into bed behind him, his arm curling around Remus' waist and burying his face in Remus' shoulder.

Remus let out a long breath, feeling himself relaxing back into the other man despite himself. He felt Sirius freeze slightly before he whispered, 'Rem?'

'Hi.'

"Fuck - _shit_ \- I'm sorry, I didn't think you were - I thought you were asleep."

Remus rolled over until they were almost nose to nose in the dark. "Do you usually climb into bed with me when I'm sleeping?"

Even in the darkness he saw Sirius blush, his fingers tapping nervously on the skin of Remus' hip where his joggers had slipped down.

" _No_."

"Okay Pads."

Sirius burrowed down further into the pillows, his hand tightening on Remus' hip. Lying here in the dark, it was easy to pretend that this was just another night, that Sirius wasn't leaving, that things weren't awkward between them because Remus was a _monumental arse_ when he was drunk. Right now, looking at Sirius' face, more relaxed than Remus had seen him in weeks, it was easy to pretend that they had all the time in the world.

"How's James?" Remus whispered, more to distract himself from his own thoughts than anything else.

Sirius smiled softly, "He's good, he's great actually. Did Lily tell you?"

"Yeah." Remus smiled, "I can't believe it."

"He asked me to be godfather." Sirius whispered, smiling in a way Remus had never seen before; it lit up his whole face with the purest kind of joy.

"What!?"

"I know." Sirius' eyes were practically shining in the dark.

Remus smiled, brushing his finger over Sirius' cheek once more. "You'll be a great godfather."

Sirius smiled, before his expression dropped and he bit his lip nervously before whispering, "I won't even be here."

Remus pulled back enough to see Sirius' face clearly. "What are you talking about?"

"I - fuck I don't even know how to say it." Sirius took a deep breath. "A few months ago I sent off a demo of me singing, some of our songs, some I wrote myself. I forgot about it honestly, but a few days ago...I heard back from a record label. In America."

Remus just stated at him. "What does this mean?"

"It means I'm leaving." Sirius' voice was quiet. "They want me in LA by the end of the month."

"I - holy shit Sirius, um - congratulations." Remus smiled but he could tell it looked forced. Sirius' expression was soft.

"I'm sorry Rem, I know this is weird. But this is huge, I have to give it a try right?"

"Yeah - god yeah of course! There's no way you're not going." Remus said, trying to make his voice as light as possible.

_He's leaving._

"Yeah?" Sirius was looking at him nervously. "I don't want to leave you, to leave any of you. Especially with the baby - _fuck_ James is having a baby I should be here?"

"No," Remus said firmly, "I mean yes, but this is too big an opportunity Pads. You'll still be in touch every day, you'll still spend as much time with that kid as humanly possible, but this is your chance. This doesn't happen to most people, if this is what you want you have to go for it."

_He's leaving me._

Sirius brought his hand up tentatively to cup Remus' cheek, his touch delicate as if he expected Remus to flinch away. Instead Remus let out a long slow breath and leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and willing himself to keep his emotions in check. This was his _friend_ telling him the most amazing news; he had to be happy for him. This is what he'd wanted wasn't it? For them to be able to be friends again. And friends would be happy for each other.

"I don't want to leave things badly between us." Sirius whispered. "I can't have you hating me, I need to make this right."

"Pads," Remus breathed and without thinking he rolled them so he was on top of Sirius, cradling Sirius' body with his own. "I could never hate you. Never, ever. We will always be friends, fucking always."

"What you said the other night..." Sirius trailed off biting his lip, eyes flicking to Remus' and away again. "Is that how you really feel?"

"In a way." Sirius frowned and Remus pushed himself up a bit so he could look at Sirius properly. "It is how I felt, I think those feelings were building up for so long and I needed to let it all out. But I never stopped to think about things from your perspective and I think...I think we've both been rash and stupid and I'm sorry for shouting at you the other night."

"No I needed to hear it," Sirius let out a short laugh. "Fuck I'm sorry Moons we've made a right mess of this haven't we?"

Remus smiled, "Yeah we really have."

Sirius looked up at him for a moment, before leaning up and catching Remus' lips with his own. Remus didn't even hesitate before parting his lips and surrendering to the kiss. It was slow and deep and careful, as if they were both trying to put a million unsaid things into the kiss.

Yesterday it had felt like there was still so much they had to say, and now it was a though a kiss was enough. Remus didn't want to talk anymore, there was almost no point. Sirius was leaving, moving to the other side of the world for who knew how long and there was no point in spending time being mad at each other now or trying to figure out if they could've had something real. There wasn't time and now all Remus wanted was for Sirius to know how much he meant to him.

It took longer than Remus wanted to admit for them to break apart. Sirius smiled a little sheepishly at him and slid his hands down Remus' back to rest comfortably on his hips. Remus buried his face in Sirius' neck.

"When you said that I don't care about you, that I don't feel the way you do. Moons you were so wrong, I-" Sirius took a deep breath and Remus shook his head, slipping off Sirius so he was lying by his side once more. Sirius turned towards him, lips brushing his own. "Remus, I-"

"Don't say it." Remus whispered.

"Moony-"

"Don't make me hear those words and then watch you leave." Remus said, his voice barely audible but he knew Sirius had heard every word. "Let's just leave it as we're friends, okay?"

Sirius frowned and looked like he was going to say more, eyes searching Remus' face. After a moment his expression softened slightly, "Okay."

"I'm going to miss you Pads."

"I'll miss you too Moons, so fucking much." Sirius pulled Remus in close, arm tight around his waist. "Stay with me tonight?"

Remus smiled, "Forever Pads."

__________________________

**_Just tonight I won't leave,_ **

**_And I'll lie and you'll believe_ **

**_Just tonight I will see that it's all because of me_ **

**_Just tonight_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts, much love my darlings x
> 
> Song for this chapter is Just tonight by The Pretty Reckless


	5. Here Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little nervous about posting this chapter; not sure what you guys will think but this is where I planned the story to go from the beginning so I hope you like it! 
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments, especially the comment on the last chapter from InNeedOfCoffee which inspired me to get working on this next part! I love you all and your comments mean the world.
> 
> Enjoy my darlings x

_Everything I know_

_And anywhere I go_

_It gets hard but it won’t take away my love_

_When the last one falls_

_And when it’s all said and done_

_It gets hard but it won’t take away my love_

__________________________

_12 years later_

" _Daaaaaaad_ , come on!" Remus raised an eyebrow at his son who was currently lying on the rug in the living room with Harry, both facing the TV and avidly playing the most recent instalment of Skyrim. Harry was still focused on the screen while Teddy had swivelled round to offer his father the very best puppy dog eyes he could.

"Your homework needs doing Ted, don't shoot the messenger." Remus answered, glancing at Teddy's disgruntled expression over the screen of his laptop.

A lot had changed in the last twelve years; Remus' one drunken night with Tonks had turned out to be rather more than he expected when she came to him a few months later and told him she was expecting Teddy. Remus had, not entirely unreasonably in his opinion, freaked out. Not the best reaction but Tonks had hardly been calm herself. It had never been a part of his life plan to have a baby off the back of a one night stand at only twenty-two years old, but when she told him she was keeping it, Remus hadn't even thought of not supporting her and being as involved as possible.

Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that simple. First he had gone to James' house drunk out of his mind because _"how the hell am I supposed to take care of a baby Prongs?"_ James, who was angrier than Remus had seen him in years, had told him he was being a coward and to grow up and go back to Tonks and their child. Remus had stormed out, cursing every Potter he could think of, but it worked. He ended up outside the door to the Tonks' house; sheepishly greeting Dora's parents before finding her and telling her that, yes he was so fucking scared, but he was here and he always would be.

It had been hard, at times downright terrifying, but it was all so incredibly worth it. It had been a struggle finding a way to balance parenting and work and making sure Tonks could still finish her degree, not to mention trying to co-parent with someone he didn't actually know all that well. He had briefly moved to Edinburgh to be with her and while she was at university and it was the best decision he had ever made; being there through the pregnancy and being able to be the one to drive Dora to the hospital and not miss a minute of Teddy's birth meant more to him than he'd thought possible. The birth had been terrifying and emotional and he the first time he held his son in his arms it was like he'd never felt love before and this little creature that was less than a minute old was teaching him what true love really was.

They had moved back to London when Teddy was a toddler, not wanting their son to grow up without their family close by. Having Dora's parents and the Potters made all the difference, not least because Harry James Potter was born only a few months before Teddy and the two boys became inseparable as soon as they were living in the same city. There was something magical about watching his son and a boy who was literally a miniature version of James that reminded Remus fiercely of himself at a younger age; the way they were so close almost instantly and even the way Harry was clearly protective over Teddy made Remus' heart ache.

Once Teddy got older and both Remus and Tonks became more financially independent, Remus got a flat not far from where Tonks and Teddy still lived, making sure there was a spacious spare bedroom for his son. Both he and Tonks had decided early on that a romantic relationship was never going to work and trying to force feelings for the sake of their son was only going to lead to disaster. Remus loved her in a way he loved no one else in the world, but it wasn't romantic and he knew that she felt the same. This worked for them and Teddy had never once had reason to doubt that he had two loving parents who would give him the world if they could.

Glancing across at the now twelve year old boy, once again intent on the game, Remus smiled softly. Teddy was the most amazing person he had ever met; bright and funny and it was the most precious thing in the world to see parts of himself in another person. The way Teddy rolled his eyes when someone said something stupid and his obsession with dusty old books and beautiful ancient libraries was all definitely very Remus.

There was plenty of his mother in there too of course; not least the way Teddy seemed incapable of keeping his hair its natural colour. At the moment it was bright turquoise and as much as other people disapproved of it and thought this meant they were bad parents, Remus loved it. It was so uniquely Teddy and neither Remus nor Tonks had any interest in not letting their son express himself however he wanted.

"Come on Ted, turn that off. Harry will be here soon and both of you have homework to do." Remus said, shutting his laptop and moving towards the kitchen end of the open plan space, stirring the pasta that was simmering away on the hob.

"Ergh fineeee." Teddy pushed himself up from the floor, giving his father his best wounded look as he did so. Remus chuckled just as the doorbell went and Harry went into Teddy's room to get his stuff.

"It's open James." Remus called and heard the door open and James' distinctive laughter as he greeted Teddy.

"Evening Moony." Remus looked up to see James leaning on the kitchen island and grinning at him. "How's things?"

Remus grinned back as he put the pasta on to boil. "Well, not much has changed since I saw you yesterday, but good thanks Prongs."

"How's the book coming along?" James asked as he picked up the wooden spoon, dipping it into the sauce and tasting as if he would be able to tell the difference between homemade and shop bought.

Remus grimaced; he had spent a few years doing odd jobs, anything that would pay the bills and give his son the childhood he deserved, but he had never given up on his writing. He hadn't written music in years, not since before Teddy was born, but he had somehow managed to find his feet in the world of fiction writing. His current fantasy series was a bestseller and he felt so lucky that there were people out there who actually enjoyed his work. There was however, a certain amount of pressure involved and the next book in the series was not going as well as he had hoped. He was stuck in a loop of writer's block and couldn't seem to figure out what to do with his central character. The plot was fine, the storyline was going well and he had it all planned out, it just felt like it was missing a certain something and nothing he tried so far had felt right.

"I don't know what the problem is." Remus sighed, taking the spoon back from James and throwing it in the sink as he drained off the pasta. "There's just something missing...I'm really happy with everything I have it just doesn't feel, I don't know, finished yet."

"I know what the problem is." James' practically sang, smiling smugly.

"No James." Remus rolled his eyes, having already heard James' thoughts on the subject a hundred times over. "I don't need this to turn into some trashy romance book; as soon as you add a love interest that's all the book is about."

James rolled his eyes, "That's bullshit and you know it. It only becomes all about the romance if you write it that way; you're more than good enough to strike the right balance. And I've already told you, you don't need to write in a new love interest; you already have the perfect one ready and waiting."

Remus glared at him. "Alec is not the love interest."

"Isn't he though?"

Remus shot James one last glare, before calling for the boys as he portioned out the food into bowls. He hated it when James talked about his book, which he did frequently. He was obsessed with the idea of adding a little romance to the story and was adamant that Alec was the perfect love interest for Remus' protagonist. What Remus didn't want to admit was that James might be right and he was running out of other options to try before admitting defeat. He also didn't want to face the fact that he had largely based the character of Alec on Sirius and wasn't remotely interested in writing a love story between his lovably dorky male lead and a character who, for all intents and purposes, was Sirius Black. It all hit a bit too close to home, even after more than a decade apart.

"Fine, fine I'll drop it." James held his hands up in surrender. "I have news though."

"Oh?" Remus muttered distractedly, taking the food over to the small dining area and peering into the hall to see where the boys had got to.

"Sirius is coming back to London."

Remus turned to stare at him so fast he cricked his neck. Rubbing it in irritation, he looked at James, trying to figure out if he was joking. "What?"

"Sirius is coming home." James said, the humour gone and his expression now tinged with concern.

Remus nodded slowly, his brain taking longer than it should to process this information. He and Sirius hadn't really spoken all that much in the last decade, not since Sirius had left for America. Remus had Teddy to focus on and hadn't had much time for anyone outside of his immediate circle for the first few years.

Sirius meanwhile had gone from strength to strength, after a modest start as a warm up act, he eventually hit the jackpot when one of his YouTube videos went viral. It was a love song he had written himself and became his debut single, smashing into both the US and UK top tens in his first week of sales. Since then it seemed as if he could do no wrong and was now one of the titans of the music industry, number one albums, sold out arenas, world tours. The one thing Sirius hadn't done was come home for any extended period of time.

He had been to London plenty of times, of course, to visit James and Harry, and Remus knew he had a flat in Soho for when he was here. It wasn't as if it was his permanent residence but he needed a place for Harry to visit; Sirius flew in to spend time with his godson as often as he could. He had also spent a fair amount of time with Teddy, thanks to Dora who was extremely proud of her cousin and kept in regular contact with him whether he was in the UK or not. Remus on the other hand, had not. He didn't really know what had happened, but things had been...strange when he moved away. And then the bombshell that Remus was having a baby with Sirius' cousin had hardly helped matters. Seeing Sirius performing to hundreds of screaming fans was a little difficult to stomach, especially when he performed songs that Remus had helped him write back when they were still young and stupid.

His second number one single had been a ballad Remus had pretty much written himself and Sirius had polished up into something decent. Before Sirius left for the states, Remus had signed a contract giving Sirius full rights to any of the songs he had helped write. In hindsight, it was a stupid thing to do; Remus could've used the money and Sirius had fought Remus about it, insisting that Remus be paid some sort of royalties. Remus had flat out refused; wanting to be rid of the love songs he had written about Sirius and the songs he had written with Sirius and anything that remotely reminded him of Sirius Black. He didn't care about the money and Sirius had reluctantly accepted it, although Remus knew full well that since Teddy was born Sirius had been paying royalties into an account for Teddy when he was older, something Remus couldn't argue with. It was better this way, he didn't have to think about the songs he had written so long ago, he didn't have to care anymore. He could move on.

But this song was different.

Remus had, of course, written it about Sirius; they had been sitting on the floor of their living room in their shitty little flat, only a few months after they'd left university. They were drunk on some cheap gin Sirius had found in the cupboard and had been all over each other all evening. They spent hours talking and doodling song lyrics and music until eventually they had something that Sirius could then sing it in his beautifully husky voice and Remus' heart had just about melted. It had felt so special; just the two of them in their own little world, just there with each other.

Remus hadn't spoken to Sirius for a long time after he had released the song, he hadn't really spoken to him _at all_ if he was honest; too angry and hurt to let it go. He had considered sending him an angry message asking why he had released the song as his own without at least telling Remus about it first, but had chickened out. He had just heard the song, his song that he had written years before about the boy he loved, on the sodding radio of all things. He had been trying to comfort his screaming toddler and wishing Dora would come back from the shop soon, when he heard Sirius' voice floating in from the stereo, singing out the words Remus had written with so much passion and emotion that Remus' heart might have exploded if he hadn't felt so angry and betrayed.

"When?" Remus asked James now, having finally found his voice.

"His plane gets in tomorrow."

"And why are you telling me this?" Remus frowned at his best friend, Sirius visited all the time and Remus only knew about it if Dora or James took Teddy to see him.

James' face darkened slightly. "Regulus died last week."

Remus just stared at him. "Oh shit."

Remus and Regulus had never exactly been close; he'd spent far too much time sucking up to his racist, homophobic parents to be someone Remus was ever really going to get along with. But his relationship with Sirius had been complicated and, no matter what he did, to Sirius Regulus was always going to be the little brother he'd left behind when he'd run away from home. Remus assumed Sirius hadn't been in touch with his brother much over the last decade, although their relationship had improved somewhat since their father had died, leaving Regulus as the sole heir to the Black fortune and business empire.

"Yeah, the funeral's on Friday so Sirius is flying in tomorrow." James was saying.

"How did Regulus die?"

James shifted, glancing at the door to the living room to check the boys hadn't come back in yet. "Drug overdose."

"Suicide?"

"I think so." James' voice was grave, his eyes full of sadness. It didn't really matter now that Regulus had stayed with a family that abused Sirius his whole life; they had abused Regulus as well. Pumped both boys full of cocaine when they were teenagers to get them hooked into the family business. Both had managed to kick the habit but Regulus had taken longer and had only really gotten clean after his father died and he had been able to gain some semblance of control over his life again. Regulus hadn't had the Potters to help him and teach him what it meant to love and be loved; he hadn't had a chance to escape. He couldn't have been a day older than thirty and at that moment Remus was struggling to imagine a worse way to go.

"I think you should come to the funeral." James said, his voice cutting through Remus' thoughts like a knife.

Remus looked at him sharply. "Why? I barely knew Regulus and it's not like the Blacks will be thrilled to see me."

"Sirius will want you there."

"No, he won't."

"Moony-"

"I haven't spoken to Sirius in years James, the last thing he needs right now is to feel awkward because his ex...whatever the hell I was, is at his brother's funeral." Remus avoided looking at James as he said this but he could almost hear the eye roll this sentence elicited.

"That's bullshit Moony and you know it. You haven't spoken in years because you're both stubborn gits who refuse to talk about anything, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be there for him now."

"James-"

"He's going to need you Remus."

Remus sighed at that; bloody James knew just what to say to make him cave, but all he said was, 'We'll see.'

James opened his mouth to argue once more but they were interrupted by the loud and boisterous arrival of the two boys who apparently just _had_ to show their fathers the trailer for the new video game they both wanted.

__________________________

_I’m here without you baby,_

_But you’re still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby_

_And I dream about you all the time_

_I’m here without you baby,_

_But you’re still with me in my dreams_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go! A lot of changes, a lot has happened for our boys!  
> Side note: I love love Tonks I think she's amazing but I don't think her and Remus are suited as a couple, so here's my solution as obviously we all need a bit of Teddy Lupin in our lives!  
> Also when Remus finds out Tonks is pregnant and James talks him down, I wanted to write that as a slight parallel to when Harry does the same thing in the seventh book, our precious Potters always putting Remus right.
> 
> Let me know what you all think, much love x
> 
> Song for this chapter: Here without you by 3 Doors Down


	6. Somebody That I Used to Know

**_But you didn't have to cut me off_ **

**_Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing_ **

**_And I don't even need your love_ **

**_But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough_ **

__________________________

A few days later found Remus having an almost identical conversation but with someone much harder to refuse than James Potter.

"Remus you're being stupid."

"I'm really not Dora." Remus said, avoiding Tonks' gaze as he pulled on his shirt. They were going to the Potter's for their weekly Sunday lunch. It had become something of a tradition when the boys were young, James had loved cooking since his mother had taught him as a teenager and was always insisting they come over for food whenever they can. This had quickly evolved into a weekly tradition that both Remus and Teddy loved.

Tonks was still looking at him as he gave himself a last once over in the mirror before calling for Teddy to hurry up.

"What?"

"You're scared to see him again."

Remus scoffed. "I'm not."

Tonks rolled her eyes at him but smiled all the same and moved to stand in front of him, reaching up to brush his hair out of his eyes. "Remus you've been in love with Sirius since you were a teenager. As much as you might want it to, that hasn't changed and pushing him away now is not only punishing yourself but it's hurting him when he needs you." Remus opened his mouth to defend himself, but Tonks just shook her head, her eyes sad and said quietly, "You need to be there for him."

"I don't know how to." The admission slipped from Remus' mouth before he had time to actually process what he'd said.

"Yes you do; you know him better than anyone."

'Not anymore.' Remus looked away. "I don't know him anymore Dora, I don't know who he is or what's going to help him."

"You being there will help him-"

"What makes you say that? I haven't seen him for 12 sodding years." Remus tried not to snap at her, but this had always been a touchy subject for him. "Over a decade and all I got from him was-"

"For gods sake, just talk to him." Tonks said, annoyance clouding her own voice now. "You're both adults and this is ridiculous, you're family for gods sake. In every sense of the word. He's my cousin, he's James' brother and we've put up with you two refusing to acknowledge each other's existence for too bloody long. You think it's fair to James to be put in the middle of this?"

"I never meant to-"

"And Teddy _loves_ him Rem, like he really fucking adores him. I want our son to have a good relationship with the only member of the Black family we're on speaking terms with and it won't be long before he starts asking why you don't want to meet the famous Sirius Black."

Remus opened his mouth with a retort ready on his lips before swallowing it, a faint feeling of guilt spreading through him. _Stop being such a bloody child._

"I - you're right. I just don't know what to do about the funeral, I can't imagine he wants me there."

Tonks' smile softened and she slipped her hand into his, squeezing gently. "You'll figure it out. And besides Teddy and I are both going; Regulus was my cousin Rem and I'm asking you come to the funeral with me."

Remus dropped his gaze for a second, feeling shame bubbling up in his throat before meeting her gaze again. "I'm sorry Dora, I - of course I'll come."

Tonks smiled and pecked him on the cheek before going to find their son.

***

Teddy it turned out hadn't even been dressed when Tonks went to find him; too busy curled up in an armchair with the latest book in his favourite series. Tonks had rolled her eyes at Remus and muttered something about a bad influence while Remus couldn't help grinning at the sight of his son lost in a book; the scene far too familiar.

When they arrived outside the Potter's large house situated just outside the city, Teddy ran up the stairs ahead of them and knocked loudly. The door was opened by Harry, still in his pyjamas and looking disgruntled, although his expression lifted at the sight of his best friend.

" _F_ _inally_ , mum was worried you weren't coming." Harry said, grinning at the adults before walking down the hallway with Teddy in tow.

Remus and Tonks hung up their coats before following the boys into the large open-plan living and dining room towards the back of the house. The house was decorated so similarly to their old flat that sometimes it was as though no time had passed for the Potters. That was if you ignored the large Harry-shaped wedge that permeated every corner of the house; Lily and James' love and pride for their son shining out of every photograph and proudly displayed school project. The house was large but still managed to feel homely and welcoming; Lily's career had gone from strength to strength over the last few years and she was now one of the most renounced and exclusive artists in London. James' career as a consultant oncologist had only boosted their already comfortable financial situation.

"Moony!" James crossed the room to hug him, as always his greeting so enthusiastic you'd think it hadn't only been a few days since they last saw each other.

"Hey, Prongs sorry we're late; took a while to get some people out the door." Remus said with a pointed look at Teddy, grinning at the pout forming on his son's face.

"Shut _up_ , dad." Teddy muttered squirming away as Remus ruffled his hair.

"Where's Lils?" Remus asked as James handed him a glass of wine.

James looked a little guilty as he answered, "In the kitchen. Look Rem I should've told you before but I didn't know how you'd take it and-"

"James, what-'' Remus started, butterflies erupting in his stomach and feeling like he had knew exactly why James was looking so nervous, when he was interrupted by the appearance of Lily.

"Remus!" Lily's voice broke through their conversation as she came out of the kitchen followed by a tall figure carrying plates and cutlery.

Remus almost choked as he set his eyes on Sirius Black for the first time in twelve years. Sirius had always been beautiful but he had somehow grown into himself in the last decade; his shoulders broader and his arms lightly muscled. His face was still as striking as ever, piercing grey eyes bright but now shadowed with grief. Those high aristocratic cheekbones and sharp jawline that had so resembled his brother's, stark black hair pulled into a sloppy bun. Tattoos were inked across his pale skin, some Remus recognised and others clearly much newer; the phases of the moon were still prominent on his forearm and Remus felt his heart clench painfully at the sight. He was wearing blue jeans that hugged his ass so well and a lose, comfy grey t-shirt with a wide neckline that showed off his collarbones and slipped artfully over one shoulder.

_Fuck he looks good._

Sirius was busy greeting Teddy and Tonks and hadn't yet noticed Remus. He was presenting Teddy with what looked like tickets to his next world tour, which Harry was excitedly chattering away about, having already received his own tickets.

"Oh my god Padfoot, this is so cool!" Teddy exclaimed grinning up at Sirius before turning and waving the tickets in Remus' direction. "Dad look!"

Sirius' head snapped up at that and he turned to face Remus at last, an expression of shock on his face. They both stood frozen for a moment, looking at each other. Remus couldn't remember the last time he had been able to look into those grey eyes and immediately felt as if he was fifteen years old again and falling for Sirius for the very first time.

He cleared his throat slightly and broke their intense gaze, turning to smile at his son and saying, "Amazing Ted, better make a note of the date."

Teddy nodded, his grin sliding from his face slightly as he looked between Remus and Sirius. "You alright Dad?"

Remus smiled again and nodded, setting his glass down on the table so he'd have a chance to compose his features. "Course I am; I just didn't know Sirius would be here."

Teddy frowned at his father. "I thought you guys hadn't met before; you never wanted to come to any of his concerts."

"I knew your dad a long time ago, mini, we went to school together with your Uncle Jamie." Sirius said, offering Teddy a small smile before glancing back at Remus. "Hey Moons."

Remus felt his heart seize at the soft expression on Sirius' face. "It's good to see you." He said quietly, moving forwards slightly, "I'm really sorry about Regulus."

Sirius nodded and looked away, clearing his throat slightly but offering Remus a small smile all the same. "Yeah thanks, funeral's in a few days. You're coming right?"

Remus tried not to let his surprise show; he had assumed Sirius wouldn't want him there. He opened his mouth to answer but Tonks cut across him before he could get a sound out, "Of course he is."

There was a slight pause before Lily said, "Right now that's out the way, dinner's nearly ready, right James?"

"Huh? Oh shit the food!" James set his glass down and hurried into the kitchen to check the food wasn't burning.

"Glasses please boys." Lily said motioning to Harry and Teddy to start setting the table.

"I'll go see if Prongs needs any help." Sirius said and slipped out of the room after James.

"You okay?" Lily asked, handing Remus his glass of wine again.

"Yeah it was just a surprise." Remus grimaced as he took a fortifying sip. "You could've warned me."

Lily just shrugged, "You wouldn't have come."

"Cheers Lils."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him, "Don't act like you're not happy to see him. I know it's awkward but that's your own fault. Can you just admit that you missed him and are happy I tricked you into seeing him at last?"

"Fuck's sake Lily."

Lily just smiled at him smugly, not a hint of remorse in her eyes. "Told you. Right, go help James serve."

Dinner passed with minimal awkwardness; the Potters just weren't the kind of people to let you feel uncomfortable. Still, Remus couldn't help his eyes flickering to Sirius more often than not. It didn't help to see how good Sirius was with Teddy either. Sirius had always said he never wanted children, that he didn't want to risk fucking them up and Remus had spent a long time trying to tell him that was bullshit, but it was a little unnerving to see himself proved right.

Unnerving and _incredibly_ attractive; seeing this man laughing and joking with his son made Remus feel a whole range of complicated emotions he didn't want to even begin to examine right now.

All in all it was as good a day as it ever was when they were all together, but Remus was finding it harder and harder not to scream in frustration at his own feelings which were overwhelming and complicated and unrelenting all at once. It was only mid-afternoon when Remus excused himself, saying he had to go work on his book, which wasn't entirely a lie although he doubted he'd get much done.

"Be good Ted and I'll pick you up from school on Wednesday okay?" Remus said as he hugged his son goodbye, kissing the top of his head before letting him run back to the video game he was playing with Harry and James. "Thanks for dinner James, you too Lils. Love you all." Remus said as he kissed Tonks on the cheek and waved goodbye to the group.

He was just slipping on his coat when Sirius stood up from where he had been sat on the sofa with Lily, "I might head out as well, mind if I hitch a ride Rem?"

Remus froze for a second before nodding and, with a last wave goodbye, they left the house. The cool breeze helped calm the hammering of his heart as he led Sirius towards his car.

The ride back into the city was silent except for the directions Sirius gave him towards his flat in Soho. Remus' heart was still hammering and he focused all his attention on the road in an attempt to ignore the fact that he was alone in his car with Sirius after all this time. A not insubstantial part of him was struggling to focus on anything but the musky scent of Sirius' expensive cologne and the heat Remus was sure he could feel coming off his body even sat completely apart.

_Christ, it's been a while._

They finally pulled up around the back of Sirius' flat, the closest place Remus could find to park, and a loaded silence fell between them. Finally, after what felt like an age, Sirius broke it, "Rem, I think we need to talk."

Remus sighed; yes they needed to talk, it had been twelve long years of them _needing to talk_ , but he wasn't sure he could handle it right now.

"Look it's been a long time and there's been wrong on both sides but we're back in each other's lives now Remus." Sirius continued, running a hand through his hair in a nervous gesture that was so achingly familiar to Remus. "I'm moving back to London, at least for moment, and I'm going to be spending practically all my time with James and...Christ Rem, Tonks is family. She and Andromeda are helping me with the funeral we can't just avoid each other."

"I don't want to avoid you." Remus muttered.

"Good, cos I think Teddy really likes me."

Remus smiled despite himself, looking up to catch a tentative grin on Sirius' face. "Course he does, you're _Sirius Black_." Remus rolled his eyes, "You've been his favourite artist since he knew what music was."

Sirius laughed and bit his lip, glancing at Remus nervously. "Does he know his dad helped write at least half of my early stuff?"

Remus tried to keep his tone light. "He'd never believe it."

Sirius grinned and said softly, "He's a great kid, Rem."

"Yeah he really is." Remus said, unable to help his smile as pride bloomed in his chest. "He's the best thing I've ever done."

Sirius nodded slowly. "I'm not going to apologise for how I reacted, you know."

Remus raised an eyebrow but didn't look at Sirius. "No, I didn't think you would."

"Because it hurt me Rem. And the only reason you don't regret it is because of Teddy; if she hadn't gotten pregnant it would have been one of those stupid drunken nights you tried to forget."

This hit a little too close to the bone for Remus and he couldn't help biting back, "Well, you've certainly got your own back over the years."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know damn well what it means."

He heard Sirius scoff and turned to look at him incredulously, Sirius was staring out of the car window, shaking his head.

"I tried to contact you Remus; you're the one who ignored my calls and eventually blocked me. If it hadn't been for James I would've thought you'd dropped off the face of the earth."

"Oh come on, you know that's not what I'm talking about." Remus snapped.

"Then what the hell are you talking about?" Sirius almost yelled, his anger seeping into his words. "It's always the same with you, it's like you expect me to read your fucking mind but you won't ever tell me what's bothering you. What could I have possibly done to make you freeze me out like this?"

"You used our song!" Remus yelled, glaring at Sirius before turning away again, internally cursing himself. He hadn't meant to bring that up; now wasn't the time to be reopening old wounds; Sirius was grieving and needed his support not his anger.

Sirius at least had the grace to look ashamed of himself. "I didn't think you'd remember it."

"And that's supposed to make it okay?"

"I don't know!" Sirius snapped, frustration seeping out of him as he turned in his seat to look at Remus properly. "It was just a song! We wrote hundreds of songs together over the years, some of which I used as a basis for my music. They weren't just your songs Rem and I - I don't know." Sirius sighed, "Look if it's about the money, I know you're entitled to it but I've been giving it to-"

"I know who you're - I don't want your money Sirius." Remus said quietly, looking out the window where rain was starting to patter against the glass. _Typical_. "It's not about that."

"Then what is it about?"

Remus looked at Sirius then, really looked at him. He was so beautiful, sat there in the intermittent moonlight seeping in through the passenger window, his grey eyes looking almost silver in the light. "I wrote that song; we didn't write it. I wrote it. I wrote it and you sang it, but it was - it was different from the others. I wrote it about you Siri."

"Rem-"

"The others, fine; we co-wrote them and I gave you full permission to use them. But that one was different and you fucking knew it. It's a love song that I wrote about you - _for you_." Remus felt a lump rising in his throat and took a deep breath in an attempt to steady his voice. "It was something that was ours, just ours, and you took it and gave it to the world without so much as telling me."

Sirius looked as if he wanted to say something but Remus just shook his head, clearing his throat. "It's fine, it was a long time ago. I just...I don't know. But that's why I didn't contact you I guess."

"I didn't know that Moons, I really didn't." Sirius was looking at him so earnestly it just made his heart ache that much more.

"No, of course you didn't." Remus snapped. "I wrote it sat on the kitchen floor with you in our shitty little flat right before spending the night together. Why would you know?"

There was a silence and Remus looked away from Sirius, trying to calm his breathing. When he felt like he could talk again without crying, he said quietly, "I need to get home."

Sirius looked crestfallen for a moment before nodding and clearing his throat. "Yeah, yeah of course. I'll see you soon though yeah?"

Remus couldn't help smiling softly at the look of shy hope on Sirius' face. "Course you will."

Sirius nodded and made to get out of the car but paused. Not looking at Remus, he said softly, "I really didn't know Remus. I thought it was just a song - I - If I'd known you felt that way..."

The words hung in the air between them for a moment before Sirius opened the door and got out of the car, heading towards his flat without so much as a backwards glance.

Remus stared after him, watching his silhouette, distorted by the heavy rain, disappear around the corner towards his front door. He stayed there staring at the place Sirius had disappeared long after the moon was hidden by dark grey clouds before taking a deep breath to compose himself, blinking back the wetness in his eyes before he too headed back home.

__________________________

_**No you didn't have to stoop so low** _

_**Have your friends collect your records and then change your number** _

_**I guess that I don't need that though** _

_**Now you're just somebody that I used to know** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been on night shifts so I've had no sleep and you've probably figured out by now that this isn't beta'd so please forgive any mistakes!  
> As always I hope you enjoyed, and thank you for all the lovely kudos and comments; I say this every time but they honestly make my day!  
> Let me know your thoughts, till next time loves x
> 
> Song for this chapter: Somebody that I used to know by Gotye


	7. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter today; apologies I know it's been a while, but I hope to get the next chapter up in the next few days. 
> 
> Enjoy x

**_Memory, all alone in the moonlight_ **

**_I can smile at the old days_ **

**_It was beautiful then_ **

**_I remember the time I knew what happiness was_ **

**_Let the memory live again_ **

__________________________

_13 years earlier_

"Mooooons!" Sirius whined looking up at Remus with his trademark puppy dog eyes.

"What?" Remus muttered barely glancing up at his friend but still unable to supress a smirk. They were sat on the floor of their flat with an almost empty bottle of whiskey between them. Remus was propped up against the wall lost in the music he was writing while Sirius was flopped on his back, head on Remus' lap as he blew smoke from his cigarette towards the ceiling.

"You're ignoring me." Sirius pouted, lip sticking out in a way that made Remus want to suck it into his mouth.

"Don't be such a baby Pads." He muttered, running one of his hands through Sirius' silky hair. 'I'm nearly done.'

"What is it anyway?"

"Just a song I've been playing with the last few days; couldn't get it out of my head." Remus shrugged, looking down at the hastily scribbled lyrics he had just added to the music.

"You wrote a song without me?" Sirius gasped in faux shock as he pushed himself to a sitting position, stubbing out his cigarette before grabbing the sheet out of Remus' hand.

Remus made a half-hearted attempt to get the paper back, before just shrugging and grabbing for the whiskey bottle instead, taking a sip and trying to pretend his heart wasn't beating a mile a minute.

"Wow Moony." Sirius whispered as he stared down at the page. "This is beautiful."

Remus shrugged again, unable to help the blush staining his cheeks. "It's nothing, probably not even that good."

Sirius frowned at him. "Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Put yourself down all the time. You think so little of yourself Rem, when you're actually amazing." Remus' eyes widened slightly in surprise as Sirius cleared his throat and looked away, back down to the notes scribbled on the paper. "If I sing it will you play for me?"

'"Pads...I don't know." Remus rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously, painfully aware of both how proud he was of the song and of how he never wanted Sirius to hear it.

"Come on Moons." Sirius said, grinning again as he bounded to his feet to grab Remus' guitar. When he sat back down they were so close Remus almost felt like he could feel Sirius' breath on his skin.

Sirius was staring at him with such an open and honest expression on his face that Remus couldn't do anything but nod and take the guitar from his friend.

"Ready?" He asked, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice.

Sirius nodded and looked down at the lyrics as Remus began to play. The soft notes filled the room; the song was a ballad, a declaration of love to the boy sitting in front of him and Remus felt his heart swell as the boy in question started to sing in his beautifully soft voice.

_"I found a love, for me_

_Darling just dive right in, and follow my lead_

_I found a boy, beautiful and sweet_

_I never knew you were that someone waiting for me_

_Cos we were just kids when we fell in love,_

_Not knowing what it was_

_I will not give you up this time_

_Darling, just kiss me slow_

_Your heart is all I own_

_And in your eyes you're holding mine_

_Baby I'm dancing in the dark_

_With you between my arms_

_Barefoot on the grass_

_Listening to our favourite song_

_When you said you looked a mess I whispered underneath my breath,_

_But you heard it_

_Darling you look perfect tonight"_

Remus' heart was thudding so loud he knew Sirius must be able to hear it. He had thought it wasn't possible to love Sirius more than he already did, but in that moment, watching Sirius sing these words that he had written for him right there in the middle of their shitty living room, he felt himself fall in love with Sirius Black all over again.

_"We are still kids, but we're so in love_

_Fighting against all odds_

_I know we'll be alright this time_

_Darling just hold my hand, be my boy I'll be your man_

_I see my future in your eyes_

_Baby I'm dancing in the dark_

_With you between my arms_

_Barefoot on the grass_

_Listening to our favourite song_

_I have faith in what I see_

_Now I know I have met an angel in person_

_And he looks perfect,_

_I don't deserve this_

_You look perfect tonight."_

Remus played the last few notes of the song before looking up to see Sirius staring at him so intensely Remus had to force himself not to break his gaze. Slowly Sirius moved towards him, taking the guitar out of his hands and placing it on the ground beside them.

Remus' breath quickened as Sirius climbed into his lap, fitting so snugly it was as though he belonged there. He lacing his fingers at the back of Remus' neck, bringing him into a kiss that was soft and sweet and so fucking amazing.

Remus' hands came up to grip Sirius' hips as the kiss deepened until soon they were struggling for breath, panting into each others' mouths, both seemingly unwilling to break the kiss even for a moment.

"Pads," Remus panted, his grip on the other man tightening as Sirius began to kiss along his jaw and down his neck, sucking and biting at the skin there until Remus squirmed under him.

"Take me to bed Rem." He whispered, his voice low and deep and enough to send a shiver through Remus' entire body. Gripping his hips Remus somehow managed to drag them both off the floor until he was staggering into his bedroom, his palms splayed across Sirius' ass to support his weight as the other man wrapped his legs around him.

They dropped down onto the bed, noses bumping together and laughing slightly. Remus propped himself up on his elbows, Sirius grinning up at him, and leaned forward until their lips just barely brushed.

"So you liked the song then?" He whispered, grinding his hips into the man below just enough to make Sirius groan.

"I fucking loved it." Sirius panted, gripping Remus' hips to bring him down once more. "It was beautiful Moony, really."

Remus smiled and kissed Sirius, as the latter began to remove his shirt, fumbling with the buttons before just ripping the rest of it off altogether and throwing it across the room.

Remus chuckled, "No need to rush Pads, we've got all the time in the world."

***

Twelve years and too many lonely nights later, Remus tossed and turned in his empty bed, trying to rid his mind of the memory of Sirius. Sirius in his bed, underneath him, inside him. Sirius looking into Remus' eyes with so much emotion that Remus didn't know what to do with it. Sirius singing that fucking song to him in their flat in what had to be one of the best moments of Remus' life.

Sighing Remus flopped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, unable to forget the look Sirius had given him in the car tonight. His parting words; _"If I'd known you felt that way...'"_

What? Would anything have changed? Would things have been different back then?

And was that really what Remus wanted? If he could go back and change everything, would he do it?

Changing what his relationship with Sirius had been back then meant changing everything that had happened since; his career, Sirius' career, _his son_...would he ever be willing to sacrifice all that for a now long lost chance with one man?

Remus hated himself for the answer he knew in his heart to be true.

__________________________

_**Touch me, it's so easy to leave me** _

_**All alone with the memory** _

_**Of my day in the sun** _

_**If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is** _

_**Look a new day, has begun** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, as always I love you all and your kudos and comments mean the world. 
> 
> Hope you're all well, until next time my lovelies x
> 
> Songs for this chapter:   
> Memory from the musical Cats, written by Andrew Lloyd Webber & Trevor Nunn, sung by many, many talented people over the years.  
> Perfect by Ed Sheeran, the song this fic is also named after as I'm sure you've guessed.


	8. Someone You Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting twice in two days?? I know it's shocking; only because the last chapter was so short I wanted to give you another update as soon as I could!  
> Lil warning for this chapter: mentions of past child abuse and warnings for grief and a funeral scene. If any of that is something that you will struggle with then maybe don't read this chapter and please all be kind to yourselves. 
> 
> Much love x

_**I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me** _

_**This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy** _

_**I need somebody to heal** _

_**Somebody to know** _

_**Somebody to have** _

_**Somebody to hold** _

_**It's easy to say** _

_**But it's never the same** _

_**I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain** _

__________________________

Sirius stared at himself in the mirror, appraising his appearance as he usually would despite this being the one day he didn't give a fuck about how he looked.

He was wearing a black suit, his hair tied into a neat bun at the base of his neck. He knew objectively it was fine; it was an Armani suit for gods sake, but he couldn't suppress the feeling that it wasn't enough. Or maybe that was just the feeling he always got when he was about to see his family.

Just as he was grabbing his wallet and keys, the doorbell rang. He moved to open it to find James waiting for him, in a sombre black suit and tie, his hair still a mess and his eyes uncharacteristically sad.

"Ready?"

Sirius took a deep breath and nodded, following James out of his flat and towards the car where Lily and Harry were waiting.

Sirius couldn't have said how long it took to get to the cemetery; time seemed to be slipping away from him. His last chance to say goodbye to his brother was speeding by, almost missing him as it passed. He wasn't ready for this, wasn't ready to say goodbye. His relationship with Regulus hadn't been great and was far from the relationship he'd wanted, they'd barely spoken since Sirius ran away from home when he was sixteen. Regulus had stayed and sucked up to their parents and become the good little heir to their family's business empire just like his parents had always wanted.

Except it wasn't that simple. And while it had taken Sirius a while to truly understand his brother, he had always known that running away wasn't easy and he was sure Regulus had felt he had no way out. Sirius had James; if he hadn't met the bright, caring boy who had stubbornly refused to let Sirius push him away, then Sirius was fairly certain he'd have ended up just like his brother. Growing up in that house, the constant yelling, the criticism, the feeling of not being enough, of having some impossible standard to live up to. His parents yelling and screaming at each other but being constantly united in how to raise their children and turn them into the men they wanted.

They had been so close as children; Sirius had protected Regulus, had done his best to continue to protect him even as they grew apart as teenagers. His mother's screamed insults, his father's cold anger. The beatings, the lashings with a cane that had left ragged scars across the pale skin of his back that would still be visible if it weren't for his tattoos. He couldn't blame Regulus for how he had acted, being their golden child had saved him from a lot of what Sirius had suffered at his parents hands, but it had also meant he hadn't left. He had stayed under their thumb for the entirety of his short life and yet again Sirius had failed to save him.

The car pulled up outside the cemetery gates, where there was a huge crowd of photographers and TV cameras; the Black family was one of the biggest and most influential family's in the country and the passing of their heir was big news. It had been splashed across newspapers and all over the internet since Regulus died; any excuse to delve into the drama of the lives of the rich and powerful.

Sirius felt his breathing pick up, his heart beating fast. He had to see them. He hadn't seen them face to face since that night, since that awful night in the summer before his final year at school when his father had beaten him so bad he was barely conscious by the time the servants had thrown him out of the front door and into the mud. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, his breaths coming in sharp pants now, as he remembered lying there with nothing but the clothes on his back and looking up at the fuzzy outline of a face so similar to his own. Regulus had looked so young, his eyes frightened as he pushed a wad of notes into Sirius' broken fingers and his phone into his pocket.

Afterwards Sirius was sure he'd imagined it, that he must have had his phone all along and grabbed some cash before his father had done too much damage. Now he knew though; his brother had saved his life that night. The money had allowed him to get out of London, even battered and bruised as he was, and to James' house. He was fairly certain he'd have died on the streets if it wasn't for his brother taking that risk, his little brother who he had sworn to protect; it was his job to look after him and he had failed. He failed that night when he didn't take Regulus with him and he'd failed now. No matter what anyone said about accidental, Sirius knew his brother had meant to kill himself. Had seen it as his only way out and Sirius had left him to his fate.

"Sirius? Sirius come on breathe for me, deep breaths yeah? In through your nose and out through your mouth."

Sirius barely registered the words, until he felt a warm hand gripping his own, a strong palm on his cheek forcing his eyes up. James was looking at him steadily, holding Sirius together as he'd done a thousand times before. "You're right here with me Pads, I'm not going anywhere. Just concentrate on your breaths okay? In through your nose and let it out slowly, grip my hand - that's it. Okay slowly, again - I'm not going anywhere Sirius."

Gradually Sirius' breathing returned to normal, his hands stopped shaking. He looked at James, focusing on those hazel eyes that had always been his rock; the first person to ever love him unconditionally. He could do this, he had James by his side.

Slowly he nodded and James smiled softly, releasing his grip on Sirius and looking over his shoulder at his wife and son.

"Is Padfoot okay?" Harry whispered to his father.

Sirius cleared his throat and turned in his seat to look at his godson, managing a small smile. "I'm okay Prongslet, just a bad day you know?"

Harry nodded and gave him a small smile, "Love you Pads."

Sirius felt his heart swell with emotion again and had to clear his throat once more before he could reply; _god this kid is every good part of James and Lily and then some._ "Love you too Harry."

"Ready?" James asked again and Sirius looked around at the three of them; James' constant steadying presence, Lily's love and warmth and Harry who from the minute he was born was the most important person in Sirius' life. His family. He took another deep breath and slipped his sunglasses on before nodding and pushing the car door open.

The cameras all swung in their direction as they approached, Sirius in the lead doing his best to ignore the journalists who called out to him. He pushed his way through the crowd and into the cemetery, where it thankfully appeared the press wasn't permitted to enter.

There was already a crowd gathering around the empty grave when they arrived. Sirius took a deep breath to steel himself before heading in the direction of the grave. The gathered mourners whispered and stared as he approached. This was different to the attention Sirius had grown accustomed to since becoming a successful musician, these were the hateful, judgemental stares of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black towards one they had turned their backs on.

Sirius let out a breath as Andi approached him, closely followed by Ted. Sirius smiled slightly and hugged her, thanking god for the thousandth time for his cousin.

"You okay?" She said quietly.

Sirius could only nod as Tonks and Remus approached with Teddy who immediately hugged Sirius. Grinning despite himself Sirius hugged him back before turning his attention to Teddy's parents. Once her son had released him, Tonks gave Sirius a hug and a kiss on his cheek before whispering, "We're all here with you."

She released him and went to stand with the other mourners, Andromeda's arm immediately wrapping around Teddy's shoulders as he joined his mother. Sirius looked up at Remus standing before him in a crisp black suit that made him look every inch the aristocratic businessman instead of the cardigan clad man Sirius was used to, sipping tea and swearing like a sailor.

Sirius couldn't bring himself to say anything, but it seemed he didn't need to. As always, Remus knew exactly what he needed and pulled him into his arms, one hand cradling his head and the other bracing against the small of his back. Despite everything, Sirius felt the breath leave him as he slumped slightly against Remus, his hands coming up to clutch tightly at the back of the other man's suit.

'I'm so sorry Pads.' Remus whispered as he pulled away, cupping Sirius' cheek, his thumb brushing almost lovingly against Sirius' skin. He looked into his eyes for a moment before pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Sirius' mouth.

Sirius felt tears spring into the corner's of his eyes; there was nothing even vaguely romantic about the gesture but that small press of lips to his skin still made him feel as though he was finally home.

"Thank you for being here." Sirius' voice was more of a croak, struggling to push down the emotion threatening to make it crack.

Remus' eyebrows pulled together, and he reached down to grasp Sirius' hand, "I'm always here for you."

There wasn't time for anything more as, before Sirius could reply, a hearse appeared through the gates of the cemetery, followed by an expensive black sedan. Sirius took a deep breath and moved towards the Black family tomb, still keeping a tight hold of Remus' hand.

The coffin was taken out of the back of the hearse and slowly brought up to the empty grave standing in the shadow of the enormous block of marble which overlooked the resting places of the Blacks. Glancing at it, Sirius felt a stab of anger as he saw that Regulus' name had already been carved into the marble, almost as if to taunt Sirius with the fact that he hadn't managed to save his brother from their clutches, even in death.

Following the coffin through the graveyard were the last people on the planet Sirius had ever wished to see; the people he had spent his life running away from, the people who had pressured and taunted and ruined Regulus, driving him into an early grave.

Orion and Walburga Black were a formidable duo; tall and imposing, both with striking black hair and pale skin that hinted at their shared bloodline. Orion had the sharp face and high cheekbones of his son, but it was Walburga's eyes that always haunted Sirius; the eyes he saw every time he looked at his little brother, the eyes he saw staring back at him from the mirror. They strode towards the burial site, their expressions as cold as ever, not bothering to acknowledge anyone around them as they took their places around the graveside and Walburga nodded at the priest to begin.

The funeral passed Sirius by in a blur, he barely registered what the priest was saying, the empty words that didn't for one moment describe the brother he had known. The brother who had crawled into his bed when they were little because he was scared of thunderstorms, or who had spent hours chasing Sirius around Grimmauld Place in their own little fantasy. The young boy who had looked up to his big brother, the teenager who had tried to protect him, who had intervened and asked for mercy when Orion was beating Sirius until he passed out, Walburga looking on as if it meant nothing. The boy he had left behind.

Sirius took a shuddering breath, tears falling down his cheeks as he stared at the casket being slowly lowered into the ground. _The boy he had left behind._ Logically Sirius knew that if he had stayed at Grimmauld Place he would have been dead before he turned 18, but it didn't matter. Regulus was his _brother_ and he should have protected him. It didn't matter how many times he had taken the blame when they were kids, how many beatings and lashings he had taken so Regulus wouldn't; he had left him there in that house, knowing what his parents were like, what they would do.

And they had corrupted him; taken him under their wing, into the family business. Regulus hadn't spoken to Sirius for years after he had run away, it was only recently they had reconnected and Sirius' worst fears confirmed. Regulus was hooked into the family business from an early age, addicted to cocaine and no one willing to help him, he had been trapped. It was only in the past few years Regulus had managed to get clean and Sirius had heard from him again. But nothing ever lasted and now here they were and there wasn't a doubt in Sirius' mind who was to blame for Regulus' death.

The funeral was nearly over and the priest was calling for immediate family to say their last goodbyes. Sirius watched as his mother, followed by his father, picked up a handful of soil and dropped it onto the casket that had now been lowered into the ground.

Before he knew what he was doing Sirius had stepped forward, ignoring the furious glare his mother was sending at him and stooped to pick up a handful of soil. He stood gazing down at the ornately carved coffin, feeling tears sting his eyes.

"Bye Reg," He whispered, throwing the soil down into his brother's final resting place. "I'm sorry."

There was a moment of silence before Sirius turned and walked away, ignoring the looks being sent his way as he made his way towards the entrance of the cemetery. Before he could get to the gate, he heard footsteps behind him and, assuming it was James or Lily, was surprised when a hand gripped his arm, long fingernails digging into his skin through his jacket as he was pulled around to face his mother.

Instinctively, Sirius pulled away from her, his eyes already scanning his blind spots for his father. It was how they always worked; as a team, one hissing vile insults at him so the other could catch him unawares. It more often than not culminated in Sirius' father beating the living daylights out of him, but his mother had been known to indulge in the use of a cane every once in a while.

"That was quite the performance back there Sirius." His mother said, her voice as cold as her eyes as she glared at her eldest son as if he was nothing more than the dirt on her shoe. "Why are you here?"

"Regulus was my brother." Sirius said, trying to keep his voice steady when his heart was beating a mile a minute.

"No he wasn't. You aren't a part of this family, you have no business being here." She hissed, eyes boring into his.

Sirius felt his heart rate pick up even more, his breathing coming sharp and fast. He tried to grapple for words, to respond to her, but all he could think was _run, got to run, get out of here..._

"Sirius." A new voice said, close enough that Sirius jumped and stumbled back a few steps, looking around almost wildly for the new threat. "You alright mate?"

Sirius almost felt like crying with relief as James walked up to stand by his side, clapping him on the shoulder. He was completely ignoring Walburga and, despite his calm appearance, Sirius could see the tension in his shoulders as he stood ever so slightly in front of Sirius, creating a barrier between himself and his mother.

"Y-yeah." Sirius managed to get out, his eyes still flickering towards his mother.

"Good, ready to go?" James was giving him that look, the one he remembered so well from school. The one that said we need to go now. Sirius was old enough now to know the consequences of ignoring that look; if there was anyone who knew how fucked up his family was it was James. There was a time in his life when James had been everything to him, and in a ways he still was. His only family, his only chance to get out of the fucked up house he'd called home. James was his brother; his _real_ family and he trusted him with everything.

Sirius nodded slightly, but as they turned to leave he heard his mother's cold, cruelly indifferent tone. "Still hanging around with this filth are we? Oh Sirius, it's not wonder you've never had it in you to be a Black."

Sirius turned, his anger temporarily overpowering his fear, but James grabbed his arm, holding him back. James looked at Walburga steadily, never losing his calm exterior but Sirius could hear the fury beneath his words.

"I know what you think of me. I don't care, but I know what you think. And I know you're rich and powerful people and you're used to threatening your way through life. But I also know that you know damn well who I am. And who my parents are. And the absolute shit storm they could bring down on your pathetic little family if you ever come near Sirius again." James offered a smile so fake Sirius almost laughed; Walburga was now looking furious. "We clear? Excellent."

And with that James turned and walked across the sunlit grass towards the cemetery gates, Sirius by his side half-stunned, half-elated by what he had just witnessed. No one stood up to the Blacks, no one. And here was James; funny, goofy, gentle James who wouldn't hurt a fucking fly, actually threatening Sirius' parents as if it was something he did everyday.

As soon as they got out of the line of sight of the mourners James stopped and turned to Sirius, putting a hand on his arm and looking at him with a worried expression. "You okay?"

"I - yeah actually." Sirius took a deep breath and actually allowed himself to grin. "You're a badass motherfucker when you want to be Potter."

James rolled his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "Shut up."

"No, no I mean it; that was excellent."

"You have no idea how good it felt to finally tell that old cow to fuck off." James said, grinning seemingly in spite of himself.

Sirius punched him lightly on the arm. "I've never been so glad that your folks basically own the press."

James snorted. "They don't _own the press-"_

"Only most of them?"

"Something like that." James laughed and then sobered, his expression sombre. "I'm really sorry about your brother Pads, he was a good kid."

Sirius' smile faltered. "No, he wasn't."

"Yes he was." James said, looking at Sirius intently. "He was a good kid in a bad situation, you know that. Don't let them tarnish your memory of him."

Sirius took a deep breath, feeling the pain seeping back in again. "Yeah, okay."

"Come on, let's go celebrate Regulus' life and say a proper goodbye." James said, gripping Sirius' arm consolingly as a car pulled up by the curb, Lily gesturing for them to get in. "I hear Moony has some pretty good scotch at his place."

Sirius couldn't help smiling at his friend as he nodded and walked away from Regulus for the final time.

__________________________

_**Now the day bleeds into nightfall** _

_**And you're not here to get me through it all,** _

_**I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug,** _

_**I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! As always I hope you enjoyed and love to you all x
> 
> Song for this chapter: Someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi


	9. I Get to Love You

_**I get to love you** _

_**It's the best thing that I'll ever do** _

_**I get to love you** _

_**It's a promise I'm making to you** _

_**Whatever may come, your heart I will choose** _

_**Forever I'm yours, forever I do** _

_**I get to love you** _

__________________________

Many hours and definitely too many bottles of whiskey later found Sirius, Remus and James sprawled on the floor of Remus' living room, Peter snoring softly on the sofa behind them. Andromeda and Ted had left after a few drinks, hugging Sirius tightly and reminding him that he did have a family who loved and cared about him no matter what. Tonks and Lily had taken the boys home when their eyelids had started to droop over their plates, leaving the four of them to celebrate Regulus' life the best way they could.

Peter, bless his heart, had never been able to hold his liquor and had passed out on the sofa an hour ago. Remus was propped up against the back wall, grinning as Sirius told him how James had stood up to Walburga in the churchyard, James taking bows at various points in the story.

"Well lads," James said, staggering to his feet and only just managing to stay upright with the help of an armchair. "I think it's time I go to bed before I pass out like old Pete." He giggled then looked at Sirius seriously, despite swaying slightly where he stood. "Your parents are bastards, Pads, but they're not your family anymore. You're my brother and that will never change."

Sirius, who had been on the verge of tears all night, felt his throat tighten with emotion at James' words and nodded, his voice hoarse when he replied, "Love you too Prongs."

James nodded at the apparently satisfactory answer. "Moony my love, I am going to go snooze on the sofa in your study which I know to be extraordinarily comfortable, despite the room being the size of a box." James nodded to himself and offered them a wave before stumbling through the door and down the narrow corridor to the tiny room that functioned as a sort of study.

Remus snorted into the bottle of whiskey before taking another drink and passing it to Sirius, shaking his head at James' antics. Sirius was quiet as he took a sip, focusing on the burn of the alcohol going down his throat so he could avoid thinking about anything that had happened today. Desperately trying to focus his mind on anything, _anything except Regulus_. His baby brother, now cold and alone, buried in the ground where Sirius could never see him again. Never talk to him, never apologise for all the shit he had endured in his short life. Apologise for not being there for him, for _leaving him._

"Pads?"

Sirius looked up, startled to find Remus kneeling in front of him, his eyebrows drawn together in concern and a hand reaching out, as if he wanted to touch Sirius but wasn't sure if he was allowed.

"What?" Sirius asked, his voice cracking. It was only then he realised he was crying, tears streaming silently down his cheeks. As he looked at Remus, sat there with his hair tousled, cheeks pink from alcohol and his beautiful green eyes filled with concern, he felt himself break. Everything he had been pushing down, had been supressing since he had heard of his brother's death suddenly spilled out of him, unable to be held back any longer.

Remus immediately pulled Sirius towards him until Sirius was in his lap, face buried in Remus' shoulder and hands gripping the back of Remus' shirt. Remus had one strong arm around his waist, holding him tightly, and a hand in his hair, fingers running through the long strands soothingly.

"He's g-gone Rem." Sirius choked out between sobs, breathing harshly against Remus' neck.

"I know baby, I know." Remus whispered, gripping Sirius if possible even tighter.

"I left him there and now he's gone and it's m-my fault-"

"No Pads, it's not your fault." Remus whispered, still in that same calm, soothing voice.

"I left him in that house, I left him there alone! If I'd gotten him out none of this would've happened!"

"You can't force someone to leave if they're not ready." Remus said sadly, still stroking his hand gently through Sirius' hair. "You reached out to him multiple times, you tried to let him know you were there for him. He was an adult Pads and as much as it hurts he made his own decisions. I'm not saying what happened was his fault, there is nothing he could've done to deserve that, but you can't make someone see that a situation is bad if they don't want to believe it. You did everything you could to make sure he knew you would help him if he wanted it and that's all you could do."

"I should've done more." Sirius mumbled, screwing up his eyes as the guilt washed over him even though he knew what Remus was saying was true.

"He wasn't ready to leave." Remus said simply.

Sirius didn't know how long they stayed like this before the tears subsided and his breathing evened out. Remus was still holding him close and Sirius closed his eyes, feeling safe and secure wrapped up in Remus' arms, in a way that he hadn't experienced since he'd moved to America.

Before Sirius knew what was happening he was being lifted into the air, Remus stumbling slightly under his weight. Sirius automatically wrapped his legs around Remus' waist and buried his head in his shoulder as Remus carried him down the hall and into his room.

Remus dropped Sirius gently on the bed, pulling back the covers and allowing Sirius to crawl beneath them, kicking off his jeans as he did so. Remus hesitated, scratching the back of his neck nervously and for a moment looking more sober than he could possibly be.

"Try and get some rest Pads. I'll be in the living room, call me if you need anything okay?"

_What no!_

Sirius struggled to sit up and, in a surprising moment of coordination given the amount of alcohol in his system, grabbed Remus' hand and whispered, "Stay."

Remus looked down at him for a moment, eyes unsure. Sirius tugged gently at his hand until Remus sank onto the bed, leaning over him. "Please Moony, stay with me."

Remus merely nodded, still looking at him, his expression unbearably soft. He brushed a lock of hair off Sirius' face and leaned down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. Sirius could've sworn he didn't imagine the words whispered into his skin, "Forever, you know that."

As Remus pulled back, Sirius rose up until their lips brushed together, lightly at first but then with a bruising pressure as Sirius gripped the back of Remus' neck, the other man's arms caging him in as he leant down into the kiss.

Sirius felt delirious, losing himself in the kiss with the man he had missed so much for so long. He fumbled with the last of Remus' buttons, ripping open his shirt and pushing it off his broad shoulders, before frantically unbuttoning his trousers. Remus reached down to pull them off, throwing them onto the floor and Sirius immediately wrapped his legs around Remus' waist, bringing their bodies into delicious contact. They both groaned and Sirius pressed kisses along Remus' jawline and back to his lips, trying to lose himself in the moment.

"Wait - wait Pads." Remus panted, breaking the kiss and pushing up on his arms so he could look at Sirius, lips swollen and cheeks flushed. "We shouldn't..."

Sirius had half-expected this reaction, but he couldn't stop the wave of rejection that washed over him at Remus' words. Sirius pushed him away and sat up, pulling the duvet up over himself and looking anywhere but at Remus.

"Right sure, I get it. Not the same as it used to be I guess. Don't worry Moons you aren't obliged to a pity shag."

"What? No! Padfoot...Sirius look at me." Reluctantly Sirius turned to look at him, his face a mess of shadows in the moonlight filtering in through the curtain, his eyes wide and looking at him so earnestly that Sirius felt a lump in his throat. "I - fuck - this just doesn't seem like the right time."

"Remus, I'm a big boy. If you don't want me anymore just say-"

"Christ Sirius," Remus muttered, grabbing his hand and holding it just over his groin, looking to Sirius for permission. Sirius smirked and cupped Remus' swollen cock through his underwear, he squeezed lightly and Remus let out a low groan. "Does it feel like I don't want you?"

"I guess not." Sirius said as Remus brought the hand that was still pressed against his crotch up to his mouth and kissed Sirius' knuckles almost reverently.

"You buried your brother today Pads." Remus whispered softly. "And we're drunk and I don't want to do something you might regret."

"I would never-"

"You know it's not a good idea right now." Remus said and Sirius just shrugged, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"Will you still stay with me?"

"Of course I will." Remus said, looking surprised at being asked, but smiling nevertheless.

They settled down in bed, Sirius getting himself comfortable as Remus spooned up behind him, wrapping a strong arm around Sirius' middle. There was something undeniably comforting about lying in Remus' arms and Sirius couldn't supress the feeling that he was finally home. He was just drifting off when he felt Remus whisper something into the skin of his shoulder before pressing a light kiss there. He only just heard the words Remus whispered almost reverently into his skin, his mind too exhausted to process them properly.

"I love you, Pads."

***

Remus woke with a start, blinking slowly in the dim light seeping through the curtains. The soothing sound of rain hammering against the window giving his bedroom a distinctly cosy feeling. Looking around the room he quickly discovered what caused him to wake up so suddenly. Sirius was lying next to him, hair spread out on the pillow beneath his head and his lips slightly parted. His hand was lying on the pillow by Remus' head, clearly having just hit him in the face as Sirius rolled over in his sleep.

Remus couldn't help the soft smile as he looked at Sirius, looking so peaceful and relaxed as his small huffs of breath brushed Remus' cheek. Remus couldn't help himself from moving closer, sliding his arm around Sirius' waist and feeling a distinct warmth bloom in his chest as Sirius immediately snuggled into him, tucking his face into Remus' neck as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Moons," Sirius mumbled, pulling back slightly and giving Remus a lazy smile, blinking sleepily.

"Hey Pads," Remus said softly, feeling suddenly awkward lying almost naked in bed curled around each other. He made to remove his hand from Sirius' hip but Sirius grabbed his arm, pulling it more tightly around his waist.

"Staring at me." Sirius mumbled, still sounding half asleep.

Remus grinned, "What?"

"You're staring at me." Sirius said.

"Well, you're beautiful." Remus' eyes widened and he regretted it the moment the words came out of his mouth. But Sirius just smiled at him, his eyes brighter than they had been since before Regulus' funeral.

"You charmer." Sirius said, his smile turning into a slight smirk.

"Shut up."

Sirius snorted then looked at Remus, his gaze soft. "Thanks for yesterday."

"Don't mention it."

"No, really," Sirius' face was so close, those beautiful grey eyes piercing his soul. "I know this is all pretty weird still. We haven't really spoken for years and we - I mean I fucked up. And I know we still have loads to talk about but I still want to be there for you like you were there for me yesterday. I still want to be friends."

"Of course we're friends." Remus said quietly.

"And I know I have no right to say this but, I really missed, well, _this_. Waking up next to you." Sirius gave him a small smile, a rare blush adorning his cheeks.

"We never really did this though." Remus said quietly, the resentment that would've coloured the words when he was younger was missing and he just sounded vaguely weary.

"We did a few times." Sirius said, his voice small. "And I know it was my fault, I - I was scared and I didn't think there was any way in hell you could ever want me. I thought it was just sex for you and that it could never be-"

"Remus do you know where Padfoot-" The door banged open to reveal James who somehow managed to look smug and surprised at the same time.

"What the fuck Potter," Sirius groaned, rolling onto his back and glaring at James. Remus threw his arm over his face trying to hide his burning cheeks at being caught practically naked in bed with Sirius.

"Everyone's here, we're making breakfast."

"Padfoot, come on you need to teach me how to play- oh." Remus looked up at the sound of his son's voice, instinctively pulling the duvet higher up his chest.

"Dad?" Teddy was looking at him with a furrowed brow.

"Hey, Ted. We're - I'm just getting up. Is your mum here?"

Teddy shook his head. "She's gone for coffee with Nan."

"I'll come teach you that song now alright Teddy?" Sirius said, smiling from where he was sat up beside Remus, having somehow managed to snag what looked like one of Remus' t-shirts from the floor and pull it over his head.

"Yeah, okay," Teddy was still looking at them with a slight frown before turning and disappearing back towards the living room where Remus could now hear the sounds of the others clattering around in his kitchen.

James just raised an eyebrow at them before following Teddy, closing the door behind him. Remus let out a loud groan and flopped back down on the bed, throwing his arms over his face.

Hearing a chuckle from beside him he peeked through the gap in his arms to glare at Sirius. "What could possibly be funny right now?"

"Your face." Sirius said still grinning.

"Oh yeah, my son seeing me naked in bed with his idol; brilliant start to the day."

"Oh come on Rem," Sirius tugged at his arm and when Remus still didn't move Sirius moved to straddle him, sitting in his lap and making Remus unfold his arms to look at him in surprise.

"What are you doing?"

"That's better." Sirius said, a distinct smirk playing around his lips.

"This isn't helping Pads."

Sirius just smiled at him, making Remus' heart flutter as he tried to think of anything aside from the beautiful man currently sat in his lap.

"We should go, Teddy's probably got questions." Remus whispered, unable to remove his eyes from Sirius'.

"It'll be fine, Moons we all know I'm his favourite."

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah sure you are. Come on, off." Remus bucked his hips up in an attempt to get Sirius off, stopping when he saw the distinct flash of desire in the other man's eyes.

Sirius hastily scrambled off, standing up and clearing his throat gruffly before looking around for his trousers. Remus took a deep breath before getting out of bed and going to his chest of drawers to find a pair of comfy sweats and a t-shirt. He glanced over at Sirius and grinned when he saw him pulling uncomfortably at the suit trousers he'd worn to the funeral.

"Here." Remus said, throwing another pair of sweatpants at Sirius that would definitely be too long on him but at least would be comfy.

"Thanks." Sirius muttered, discarding his expensive suit trousers in a pile on the floor and pulling on Remus' ratty old sweats as if they were the best thing he'd ever worn.

Grinning, Remus turned towards the door opening it and just stepping through before he felt a hand on his arm and turned to see Sirius looking at him seriously, looking heartbreakingly gorgeous in Remus' comfiest clothes.

"You know I love you too right?" Sirius whispered, his fingers tangling with Remus' and giving his hand a quick squeeze.

Remus just stood there staring at Sirius. He'd thought he was asleep, he'd only said it because he was sure Sirius wouldn't hear. He wasn't supposed to hear, wasn't supposed to know. They were still working things out and only just starting to be friends again and there's no way in hell Remus would have said it if he thought Sirius could hear it.

Sirius just smiled and squeezed past Remus to walk down the hall into the kitchen. Remus took a deep breath, trying to slow his racing heart before following Sirius out to their family.

__________________________

**_They say love is a journey_ **

**_A promise that I'll never leave_ **

**_When it gets too heavy to carry_ **

**_Remember this moment with me_ **

**_I get to love you_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you thought I love to hear your feedback!
> 
> Keep safe and look after each other x


	10. Give Your Heart a Break

_**Don't wanna break your heart,** _

_**Wanna give your heart a break.** _

_**I know you're scared it's wrong** _

_**Like you might make a mistake.** _

_**There's just one life to live** _

_**And there's no time to wait, to wait** _

_**So let me give your heart a break** _

_**__________________________** _

Evening rolled around quickly and by the time night fell, almost everyone had left and Remus was in the kitchen tidying up after the day and taking a breather from everyone. James, Lily and Sirius were still here and were out in the garden with Dora and the boys. He loved his friends with all his heart, but today had felt a little overwhelming after everything that had happened last night and Remus relished just a few minutes to himself.

Remus was just clearing away the last of the food, when Sirius came in through the back door with Teddy. Remus smiled slightly before seeing his son's wide eyes, fingers fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt.

"You alright Ted?" Remus asked, setting the cloth down he had been about to use to wipe down the counters. Teddy nodded, not meeting Remus' eyes and Remus fought down a smile as he wondered what prank Teddy and Harry had pulled. "What did you break this time? I won't be mad I promise but you and Harry really need to watch what you're-"

Remus broke off as Sirius shook his head. Teddy still wouldn't look at him and Remus felt worry starting to creep in. "What's going on?"

"Teddy has something he'd like to tell you." Sirius said, squeezing Teddy's shoulder reassuringly. Teddy glanced up at Sirius, who smiled and said gently, "You can tell him, it'll be okay I promise."

Remus was now getting seriously worried, but tried not to let it show lest he make his son even more nervous.

"Dad." Teddy started, his voice small. He took a deep breath and looked at his feet as he let the words out in such a rush Remus almost didn't catch them, _"I think I like boys."_

Remus blinked, taking a moment to both work out what his son had said and wrap his head around the fact that he didn't have to discipline his son for breaking something like he'd been expecting. This was definitely the last thing he had thought Teddy was going to say.

Remus didn't look at Sirius and kept his eyes focused on his son as he said, voice soft, "Okay, thank you for telling me."

Teddy's head jerked up, his eyes still wide as he looked at his father. "What?"

Remus smiled slightly, "Thank you for telling me Ted, I know it can be difficult."

"You're not mad?" Teddy said, his voice still quiet.

Remus smiled at the boy in front of him, his wonderful amazing son, and moved forward so he was crouched in front of Teddy so he was looking up at him. He took his son's hand, heart breaking slightly at the thought that Teddy had been worried Remus wouldn't be okay with this.

"Of course not Ted. This is who you are and that's amazing; there is nothing wrong with liking boys or liking girls or not liking anyone at all. You're still you and the person that you are is absolutely amazing. I love you so much Teddy."

"Really?" Teddy peered at Remus nervously, a small smile starting to pull at the corners of his mouth.

"Ted, I love you more than anything in the world. There is nothing you could ever tell me that would change that, okay?"

"Okay." Teddy was smiling properly now and Remus pulled him into a tight hug, swallowing hard to push the swell of emotion back down; now wasn't the time.

When they pulled back Teddy looked significantly happier than when he had entered the kitchen. Remus grinned at him and, throwing caution to the wind, said, "Can I tell you something Ted?"

"What?" Teddy said, grinning back.

"I like boys too."

Teddy's eyes, if possible, got even wider. "You do? Like me?"

Remus laughed slightly, "Well I like boys my own age, but yeah."

"What about Mum?"

"I like girls too. You can like both, or just one or none at all."

"Sirius said he likes boys as well!" Teddy said, grinning up at Sirius who smiled back, ruffling Teddy's hair.

"Told you your Dad would be fine with it, didn't I?" Sirius said, laughing as Teddy stepped out from under his hand and tried to fix his hair.

"If you two both like boys, you should be together." Teddy said absently, Remus stiffened feeling a blush colouring his cheeks. "Wait, are you together? Is that why you were in bed together?"

"Er, no we're not Ted. We're just friends." Remus said hurriedly, determined to not looking at Sirius.

"Oh," Teddy said, looking a bit put out. "Well you should be." Remus opened his mouth, no idea what he was going to reply to that, but thankfully he didn't have time to respond before Teddy said, "Will Mum be okay with it?"

Remus smiled. "Of course she will, you know how I said I love you more than anything else in the world?" Teddy nodded, "Well your Mum loves you more than anything else as well; she'll be so happy when you tell her."

"Yeah?" Teddy said, bouncing slightly on his toes, the adrenaline of the moment seemingly catching up with him.

"Yeah, why don't you tell her tonight?"

"Okay!" Teddy grinned turning and running back out into the garden, presumably to find Tonks.

Remus pushed himself back to his feet, staring after his son and feeling emotional in a way he hadn't expected. He leaned against the kitchen counter and ran a hand over his face, but was brought out of his reverie by a snort from beside him.

He turned to see Sirius grinning at him. "What?"

" _I like boys my own age_ , really Rem." Sirius laughed making Remus roll his eyes. "I don't think you needed to clarify that."

"I felt it was important to make the distinction." He said, making Sirius let out his bark-like laugh. "Oh shut up, it wasn't what I was expecting him to say."

"He's an amazing kid Rem." Sirius said softly, suddenly standing closer than he had been a moment ago.

"Yeah he is." Remus smiled. "I can't believe he told you first."

Sirius just shrugged, but there was a pleased smile on his face. "Only because he didn't care about my reaction."

"No, it's because he trusts you." Remus said, reaching out to grip Sirius' arm. "Thank you for being there for him."

"Anytime Moons."

Remus could feel his heart skip a beat as he thought about what those words could mean.

***

The weeks after the funeral passed by in a blur; Sirius spent a lot of time holed up in his flat strumming on his guitar and writing more than he had in a long time. The loss of his brother and the aching wound that left in his heart coupled with the rollercoaster of emotions since being back in London was just pouring out of him into his music. It was the most productive he'd been in months and he couldn't wait to get back in the studio with his team and get it all fine tuned.

He'd also spent his fair share of time at the Potter's; Tonks and Teddy had been coming over every other evening for what felt like a big family dinner and made Sirius wonder why he'd ever thought it was a good idea to leave London. Getting to know Teddy properly was amazing; he'd met him plenty of times over the years but he hadn't been able to spend nearly as much time with him as he had with Harry. Now though he had a chance to really get to know him as he played and devised pranks with the two boys. It was amazing how similar Teddy was to his father; sometimes he would say something or look at Sirius with that fond exasperated expression Sirius knew so well. Despite Teddy's striking blue hair the similarities between Teddy and Remus was unmistakable.

Sirius had told Remus he wasn't going to apologise for the way he had acted when he found out the man he loved had gotten his cousin pregnant, but that didn't mean he didn't feel bad about it. Sirius had been hurt and, he could admit it now, more than a little jealous. He'd spent too long wanting Remus, pining over him and imagining what it would be like for them to grow old together and have a family, that it was like a knife piercing his heart when he found out Remus was going to have a family with someone else. And not just anyone else, but Sirius' own cousin.

It was the hurt from that revelation that had partly contributed to Sirius releasing the song Remus had written. He knew how he felt about that song and it was a beautiful song, he knew it would be a hit and it worked well with his sound at the time. It was one of his hits that had really helped to sky-rocket his career, but he never would have released it if he knew how Remus would feel. He knew it sounded stupid and he didn't blame Remus for being angry, but he had genuinely had no idea that Remus would have that reaction or that it would hurt him so much.

He hadn't seen Remus much since the funeral. They'd been texting and things felt more normal between them than it had since they were in university. It made Sirius feel warm and giddy in a way he definitely wasn't used to. He'd only fallen in love a few times and it always made him feel like a an overexcited schoolboy.

_Who are you kidding, you've only fallen in love once and you've never stopped._

Sirius sighed, running a hand through his hair and fiddling with the packet of cigarettes in his hand. He'd mostly given up smoking, but it was on days like today that he found himself reaching for a pack. When his thoughts became too much and too confusing and too painful and he needed something to keep him calm.

Huffing slightly, he tipped a cigarette out of the packet and lit it, feeling the smoke fill his lungs as he looked out from his balcony, the sunset casting a warm glow over the city. He really needed to sort things out with Remus; it had been going on too long and they were adults now. They needed to just be straight with each other and then figure out what their relationship would look like from there, whether that be friendship or something more.

_Something more, please something more._

Sirius shivered as he let his mind cast back to the night of the funeral, he was finally getting to a place where he could let himself remember that time with Remus as something separate from the irreparable pain of saying goodbye to his baby brother. He was just about able to think about them as if they'd happened on completely separate days and therefore was now overthinking every minute detail of his interactions with Remus that night.

The way Remus had kissed him, had held him so reverently, had laid him down in the bed and looked at him as if he was the most precious thing he'd ever seen. It was addictive and Sirius wanted more of it. He wanted to be the only one Remus looked at that way, he wanted to be the only one allowed to look at Remus that way. He wanted to care for him and buy him presents and bicker with him about what to name their first dog and get a house near James and Lily with a big room for Teddy and a proper study for Remus to work in. He wanted Remus' face to be the last thing he saw at night and the first thing he saw when he woke up. He wanted Remus to hold him and kiss him and whisper filthy things in his ear that turned him on in a way no one else have ever managed.

In the end he just wanted Remus, something that hadn't changed even in all the years they'd spent apart. It was embarrassing really; Sirius had spent most of his adult life pining after someone he had no reason to believe felt anything other than friendship for him at best.

The sound of the key turning in his front door and a familiar voice calling out brought him out of his reverie. Sirius stubbed out his cigarette and stepped back through the balcony doors to greet Lily. She was pottering about in the kitchen, putting what looked like a few home cooked meals in his fridge and a plate of cookies on the counter.

"Hi love," She said smiling at him when he went to give her a quick hug. "You okay?"

"I'm good Lils, you brought me food?"

"You know how James gets always worrying." She said with a soft laugh. "He was cooking most of the day and made sure there was enough to send round to you."

"You're both too good to me." Sirius said quietly, trying to make it sound light-hearted but meaning every word. Lily sent him a look that said she knew exactly how much he meant it.

"We love you and we know that you don't always take the best care of yourself. Plus James will never stop fussing over you and now you're back in the UK he can really go overboard."

"Potters are all mother hens." Sirius said, grinning.

"Hmm, they really are. Harry made you some cookies." Lily said, offering Sirius one off the plate piled high with what looked like chocolate chip cookies.

Sirius took one eagerly and took a bit that turned out to be a bit too enthusiastic; it tasted like raw flour. Lily laughed at the expression on his face. "I love that kid, but he is not a natural baker."

"It's not his strong suit no." Lily agreed, passing him a glass of water to wash down the dry crumbs. "I'll tell him you loved them anyway."

"Thanks." He grinned, sipping at the water as they fell into comfortable silence.

"Have you seen Remus lately?" Lily asked in a falsely casual voice.

"Not since the funeral." Sirius shrugged. "I haven't really seen anyone much except you and James, but we've been texting a bit."

"Have you now." Lily said, raising an eyebrow at him.

" _Yes_ , why are you looking at me like that?"

Lily shrugged, a mischievous smile on her face. "Anything more to it?"

Sirius groaned, "We're friends Lily."

"That all?" She said, looking at him shrewdly. "You never wanted more?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Have you been talking to James?"

"Maybe."

"Fucks sake."

"To be fair, he _literally_ just told me. He didn't tell me anything when we were in uni." She said, looking completely unrepentant.

"That's because he didn't know when we were in uni." Sirius rubbed a hand over his face, trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He'd never spoken about his relationship with Remus with anyone but James before and that was only a recent development. Sirius knew Lily had been angry with him for how things had been between himself and Remus for the past decade and he didn't relish the idea of talking about it with her.

"You should tell him." She said.

"James?"

" _Remus_." Lily said firmly. "You should tell him how you feel."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"And why not?"

"It's been years since we had any sort of relationship, we're only just starting to rebuild our friendship and I'm not going to risk that again." Sirius said. "I don't even really know how he felt about me back then and in the unlikely event that he did feel anything, he definitely won't now. Twelve years is a long time to hate someone."

"He didn't hate you." Lily said quickly, her green eyes soft as she looked at him. "He was angry with you and felt betrayed after you released Perfect, but he never hated you, trust me."

Sirius sighed, he didn't know what to think. He felt like he needed to have a proper, honest conversation with Remus about how he felt, but he was scared. Scared that Remus didn't feel the same, scared he'd be rejected, scared he'd ruin the tentative friendship they'd been developing over the past few weeks.

"He still cares about you." Lily said quietly, "That never changed, apart from Teddy you're one of the most important people in his life and you always have been."

"So are you and James."

"It's different to how he feels about me and James and you know it."

Sirius shrugged, trying to ignore the warmth blooming in his chest at the thought that Remus might feel something more than friendship for him. "We'll see I guess."

"Padfoot-" Lily started but Sirius just shook his head.

"Let's leave it yeah?" Lily frowned slightly but nodded and Sirius smiled at her and cleared his throat, wanting to move onto lighter things. "So, I'm doing a little gig at The Mola tomorrow night to fundraise for a couple of substance abuse charities. I'll be donating triple whatever we manage to raise and I think it'll be good for raising awareness. It would mean a lot if you and James could come?"

Lily grinned. "Of course we'll be there it sounds fun. And I'm sure you'll raise more than enough money, people will be fighting each other for a chance to see the Sirius Black performing in a common bar of all places!"

"Oh shut up," Sirius said, laughing at the teasing in her voice. "Will you be alright with Harry?"

"He's staying at a friend's this weekend anyway so James and I were already thinking of going out for some drinks." She said, "It's a great idea, Regulus would like it."

Sirius bit his lip. "I don't think he would, but I know the charities do a lot to really help people who are struggling with addiction and I want to do something to support that."

"I'm looking forward to it. Is Remus coming?"

Sirius frowned at her slight smirk. "I don't know, I asked but he said he has to see what Teddy's doing first."

"He'll be there." She said confidently, as if it wasn't something Sirius had been stressed about since he sent Remus the message. "Anyway I better get going, make sure my boys haven't burned down the house."

"Is that a genuine concern?" Sirius asked as Lily pulled on her coat and walked to the door.

"It's always a concern when you live with James Potter." She said, laughing as she stretched to kiss him on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow Pads."

"Bye Lils." She smiled as she closed the door behind him, leaving Sirius staring at the door and trying not to worry about what she'd said.

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out to see a message from Remus.

_19:42: Teddy and Dora are going to see Andi tomorrow so I'm free as a bird_

**19:43: You can come to the fundraiser?**

_19:45: Wouldn't miss it for the world x_

__________________________

_**Cause you've been hurt before** _

_**I can see it in your eyes** _

_**You try to smile it away,** _

_**Some things you can't disguise** _

_**Don't wanna break your heart,** _

_**Baby I can ease the ache, the ache** _

_**So let me give your heart a break** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to post! We've been back in lockdown here the past few weeks and it's been a difficult couple of weeks. Hope you enjoyed this chapter thought let me know what you think!
> 
> Song for this chapter is Give Your Heart a Break by Demi Lovato.


	11. Water Under the Bridge

**_If you're gonna let me down_ ** **_  
Let me down gently don't pretend  
That you don't want me  
Our love ain't water under the bridge_ **

__________________________

Remus arrived outside the bar a good half hour after he meant to. Teddy had taken so long to get ready, Remus had almost sent Sirius a text telling him he wouldn't be able to come, but eventually his son had run down the stairs, his blue hair perfectly styled and dragged Remus out to the car impatiently as if he was the one who'd been holding them up the whole time.

Teddy and Harry were staying with one of their friends for the night and Dora was already at the bar with James and Lily. Once they’d heard about the event both Dora and Andromeda had refused to miss out and Teddy had been all too happy to spend the night with his friends rather than his mother and grandmother.

Remus rushed through the huge crowd that had gathered outside the bar, which even from outside already looked full to capacity. It was hardly surprising; Sirius was one of the biggest things in music right now and the idea of him coming back home and performing a relatively low-key event in what was just a normal bar was bound to draw crowds. They even seemed to have set up a live stream of the currently empty stage on a large screen set above the entrance to the bar, the screen usually had adverts for different drinks blaring across it to catch the attention of those waiting in line, but tonight it had the live footage of the currently empty stage inside where Sirius would soon be performing. Most people milling around outside seemed to have accepted the fact that they weren't going to be able to get in and were trying to find somewhere with a decent view of the screen, plastic cups full of drinks from the bar clutched in their hands.

Remus smiled slightly to himself; there was going to be a lot of money raised for the charities Sirius supported, not to mention an incredible amount of business and publicity for the bar itself. Sirius was using his fame to do good and help people in any way he could and Remus felt his heart expand at the thought. Sirius had always been that way; eager to support those he cared about, but the slightly selfish streak he'd always had seemed to have lessened. Growing up in a rich and powerful family, no matter how much he despised them, had left its mark and for most of their friendship Remus had seen instances of Sirius being unaccountably selfish and dismissive of others, but that seemed to have gone.

In a way doing this gig was nothing; it was part of his job and Sirius certainly didn't need the money, but on the other hand it was so public and left him open to painful questions about his brother and his family and everything he didn't want to talk about. Remus didn't think that twenty-year-old Sirius would have taken the risk of having to publicly answer those questions even if it was for a good cause. Sirius actually had grown and changed in the past decade and there was a significant part of Remus that hated the fact that he hadn't been there to see it.

Remus eventually made it through the crowd and up to the bouncer at the door who raised an eyebrow at him until Remus gave his name and presented his ID. The bouncer stepped aside and gestured for him to go in, Remus walked through the door, ducking his head as it started to rain and ignoring the grumbles of the people still waiting at the front of the queue.

He was immediately met by a smiling woman at the ticket office who asked for his name and then shook her head when he took out his wallet to pay.

"You're on Mr Black's guestlist; no charge."

Remus smiled at her, "It's for charity, I'll pay."

The woman smiled and took his money before taking him to a table just in front of the stage that had been set up at the back of the bar. All the tables were full and every spare bit of floor space was taken up by someone standing to watch the performance; the bar itself was heaving and bar staff were slipping through the crowd with more drinks to take to those sat at the tables. There were a couple of people who Remus vaguely recognised as being part of Sirius' crew dotted in the crowd setting up cameras to film the performance for the crowd outside.

Remus slipped into an empty seat at the table closest to the stage, where James, Lily, Peter, Tonks and Andromeda were already sat.

Peter slid a glass of whiskey across the table to him as James grinned at him and said, "Thought you weren't gonna show."

"Teddy spends more time on his hair than you do, took ages to get him out the front door." Remus grinned, gratefully accepting the drink.

"It's the blue, he loves it." Tonks said smiling, "He won't leave the house unless it looks perfect."

"Hmm sounds like someone else we know." James said, smirking at Remus who frowned at him.

"I've never been that bothered about my appearance."

"No but another Black has."

Remus grimaced, "Can you please not remind me that my son and my...and Sirius are related."

James practically beamed at his slip-up, but surprisingly chose not to mention it. "And why not?"

"It's - awkward." Remus muttered, feeling his cheeks pink slightly.

Tonks just laughed and shook her head at him fondly as if he was being ridiculous. He didn't miss the look Andromeda threw his way though. Andromeda Black was one of the most incredible, badass people Remus had ever met; she was an amazing mother and he couldn't ask for a better grandmother for his son, but sometimes she scared the shit out of him. She was a Black after all and he didn't think she was particularly impressed that he'd dated both her cousin and her daughter.

 _You didn't even technically date either of them._ A snide voice murmured in Remus' mind, making him knock back the rest of his drink. _Yeah, because that makes it much better._

Suddenly, the lights in the bar dimmed even lower and the chords of Sirius' most recent number one started up. Lights illuminated the stage in a soft glow to show Sirius sat on a stool, guitar balanced on his knee. There was a woman sat beside him with her own guitar, softly playing the opening bars of the song and a man to the left of the stage on the piano that usually sat near the entrance of the bar and Remus had never realised actually worked.

"Evening all," Sirius said, his voice low and silky and it sent a shiver up Remus' spine.

Sirius smiled at the crowd who were now cheering and clapping loudly. "Thank you all so much for coming, the charities we're supporting tonight do amazing work so please donate anything you can and I promise I will more than match it. I have a some songs that I've prepared for you tonight as well as a little something special. I might also take a few requests if you're very lucky." Sirius grinned as the crowd whooped and cheered again. "For now, enjoy my darlings and please support the cause in any way you can."

The set list was perfect; a mix of Sirius' biggest hits and some of his lesser known songs that Remus was sure were Sirius' particular favourites, all acoustic versions which only served to highlight how well Sirius could perform to a live crowd. He was confident and charming, interacting with the crowd in a way that worked best in front of a smaller group. His pale skin was gleaming in the stage lights and when he flashed a smile in Remus' direction it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Remus had never been able to resist Sirius when he performed. Whenever he used to sing at crappy bars when they were younger or at parties or even just in their little flat, it was as if his walls disappeared and it was just him and the music. It felt intimate and private and Remus had always felt blessed to be able to witness it. Judging from the reaction of those around him, he was pretty sure they all felt it as well.

The last on his set list was a sneak peek of a new song from his up-coming album set to be released next month; it was beautiful. Haunting and desperately emotional; full of longing for something he'd lost. Remus couldn't help think of Regulus as he watched Sirius sing his heart out on stage. Sirius had always put his heart and soul into every performance whether the audience knew it or not and Remus had to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat.

The last song was met with applause and cheers and yells that went on for so long Sirius had to hold up his hands, laughing as he thanked the audience. He sipped at his water and turned to speak quietly to the man and woman on stage with him, who were grinning widely at the crowd's reaction.

Turning back to the bar, Sirius put on his most winning smile and said, "Well loves, seems we have a little time left for one last song. Any requests?"

There was murmuring from the crowd before a few people shouted out all at the same time making Sirius laugh. "Say again?" He said, grinning.

"Perfect!" A voice called out before any of the others could.

Sirius' grin slipped for a moment and he threw a quick glance over at their table before smiling again. "Perfect? From my second album?"

The crowd cheered again enthusiastically and Sirius shrugged, a grin still plastered on his face even as his hand ran nervously through his hair. He turned to nod at the man beside him again and strummed lightly at his guitar, his eyes closed for a moment before he looked up and brought his lips back to the microphone.

_"I found a love for me,_

_Oh darling just dive right in and follow my lead._

_I found a boy, beautiful and sweet_

_Oh, I never knew you were that someone waiting for me."_

Remus couldn't take his eyes off Sirius. He felt his heart in his throat as he looked at this man who had always meant so much to him, who still meant so much to him even after all this time. This man who had grown and matured and become someone that Remus had always known he would be; smart and kind and generous and just _beautiful_ right down to his core.

_"Cause we were just kids when we fell in love_

_Not knowing what it was,_

_I will not give you up this time_

_But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own_

_And in your eyes, you're holding mine"_

Sirius' gaze flickered through the crowd as he sang until it finally shifted and landed on Remus. Those grey eyes seemed to pierce his very soul, the way they had hundreds of times before. As if he could see what Remus was thinking, as if he understood his deepest desires just by looking at him. The lightest flush appeared on Sirius' cheeks, barely noticeable, but he didn't break eye contact with Remus as he sang and Remus couldn't bring himself to look away.

_"Darling, just hold my hand_

_Be my guy I'll be your man,_

_I see my future in your eyes."_

Remus felt the eyes of the people sat around them, the soft murmurs that were barely distinguishable over the sound of the music, but he didn't care. He could even see one of the cameras turning towards him but he was so focused on Sirius it barely registered. For once in his life, Remus didn't care that people were looking and whispering, he didn't care that people were craning their necks to try to catch a glimpse of the person Sirius Black was singing to with such intensity. He didn't care that Tonks and Lily were smiling softly at him and Peter was looking as surprised as the strangers around them, or even that James was practically radiating smugness from across the table.

All he could see was Sirius.

Sirius who was looking at him with an expression he’d never dreamed he’d see. Sirius who was singing a song to him, a song _Remus_ had written. A song they’d first played together on the floor of their dingy little flat, drunk on bad booze and both desperately trying to find the words to say.

_"Now I know I have met an angel in person_

_And he looks perfect,_

_I don't deserve this_

_You look perfect tonight."_

The last notes of the song died down and the crowd erupted, cheering and clapping far louder than was really appropriate for a bar. Sounds of the crowd outside the bar cheering and screaming along with those inside filtered in through the windows. People around them were all standing as Sirius finally broke eye contact with Remus and cleared his throat quietly before letting out a small laugh and thanking everyone for coming.

James and Peter were whistling and cheering loudly and Tonks was popping the cork on a bottle of champagne, toasting Sirius before passing the bottle up to him on the stage.

Remus just sat there, his heart going a mile a minute and feeling his eyes start to prickle slightly. He blinked back the wetness there and tried to steady his breathing, not even knowing how he was supposed to feel right now. He barely heard what Sirius was saying to the crowd.

"Thank you all so much for coming out tonight, it means the world. Hope you enjoyed it all and especially that last song. I haven't sung that for a long time and it's particularly meaningful as the man who wrote it is here with us tonight, let’s hear it for an incredibly talented song-writer and my closest friend; Remus Lupin!"

The crowd cheered again as Sirius grinned at him, James pulled him up out of his seat, grinning and hollering as Sirius jumped down from the stage to pass Remus the bottle of champagne. Remus couldn't help laughing as Sirius grinned at him; he was breathing heavily, sweating slightly from being under the intense lights. His face was flushed, his eyes bright and he looked fucking amazing.

"Sirius!" A voice said from behind them and a small woman with short chocolate-brown hair appeared at their table, shaking Sirius' hand and smiling brightly at him.

"Hey Alice! I do okay then?" Sirius said, grinning at her and gratefully taking the glass of water she handed him.

"You know you did." The woman - Alice - said approvingly. "The set was perfect, some of the people watching outside have been donating even though they didn't actually get in during your performance. I don't know how much it is yet, but you've raised a lot of money."

"That's amazing," Sirius said sincerely, "Thank you so much for letting me do this here, I know you don't usually do this sort of thing."

Alice laughed, gesturing around her. "Look at the amount of people who are here, there's no need to thank me. I don't think we've ever made this much in a single night and we never would've been able to dream of the publicity you and those cameras has brought."

Sirius shook his head modestly and just shrugged, "Glad I could help."

"Frank or I will be in touch in the next couple of days once we've worked out exactly how much you raised. Have a good night Sirius." She gave him a quick hug before moving away, back towards the bar.

Sirius turned back towards them all as Alice left, grinning as he was immediately engulfed in a bear hug from James. They were all chattering excitedly, passing drinks around and Sirius seemed on top of the world, vibrating with a sort of nervous energy that Remus supposed he might always have after a live performance.

When James finally let him go, Sirius turned to Remus, a small smile on his face, but just as he opened his mouth to speak a few people approached him from behind, nervously asking for a picture. Sirius shot Remus a quick smile before turning and grinning widely at his fans, signing autographs and posing for pictures with them. Remus still felt a little off-balance after Sirius' last song and he was torn between needing to get outside for some air and wanting nothing more than to speak to Sirius alone.

More and more people seemed to be crowding around their table or, more accurately, around Sirius, and Remus could feel a few murmurs and glances directed his way. He felt his face start to burn and turned to Lily, signalling that he was going outside for a smoke. He pushed his way through the crowd and finally out into the blissfully cool night air. There was still a huge crowd gathered outside the bar, drinks everywhere and now considerably drunker than they had been when he'd arrived; the bouncers were already looking annoyed.

Remus made his way slowly through the crowd trying to ignore the few people who looked his way or called out drunkenly asking ‘ _you the one who's fucking Sirius Black?’_ Mostly people just seemed curious and excited but there was one or two people who were shooting him glares.

He finally made it through the crowd and around the side of the bar, into a tiny alleyway that separated the bar from the building next door. It was dark and damp and smelled slightly of vomit but thankfully deserted.

Remus leaned against the wall, not caring that the rain still clinging to the brick was soaking through his jacket. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it with shaking fingers. He hardly ever smoked these days; he'd essentially given up when Teddy was born but sometimes he just needed it to calm his nerves and he had rightly thought that tonight might be one of those nights.

He stood there for a few minutes, letting the cool breeze wash over him and allowing himself to ignore everything but the feeling of the cigarette between his lips and the smoke filling his lungs.

It wasn't long before he was brought out of his solitude by the sound of a door banging loudly against the brick wall and a muffled cursing. Remus looked up to see Sirius step out of the back door of the club and into the darkened alleyway, his grey eyes lighting up when they landed on Remus.

Sirius moved towards him, a small smile on his lips and stopped just in front of him, still stood far enough away to be appropriate and Remus had to resist the urge to grab his hips and pull him closer.

"Hey," Sirius' voice was soft. "You okay?"

Remus nodded, offering Sirius his cigarette which Sirius accepted, putting it between his lips in a way that Remus couldn't help finding insanely attractive.

"I didn't know you still smoked."

"I don't." Remus shrugged, his eyes still on Sirius' mouth.

"Moons," Remus jerked his head up to look into Sirius' eyes, who was smirking at him. "What did you think?" He jerked his head towards the bar where the sounds of the people inside and the music now blaring out of the speakers was pumping through the building.

"It was great, you were...amazing." Remus cleared his throat and broke eye contact. "You've always been amazing when you perform live."

Sirius smiled, "I'm sorry for the last song. I didn't feel like I could turn it down-"

"I'm glad you sang it." Remus cut across him. "I liked it."

Sirius stared at him, his grey eyes filled with the same intensity as in the bar. It left Remus breathless. Everything that had happened, everything they'd done, all the stupid things they'd said, it didn't matter anymore. None of it mattered compared to how much he wanted to feel Sirius in his arms, how much he wanted to kiss him right now.

Sirius seemed to see the change in his face because he smiled knowingly, stubbing out the cigarette on the wall and moving so he was stood directly in front of Remus.

"Yes Moony?" He whispered, his voice low and sultry.

"I want to kiss you." Remus said, almost surprised at his own bluntness.

"Oh do you now?"

" _Yes_ Padfoot." Remus said, trying not to let his voice become breathy as Sirius pressed him up against the wall, strong arms caging him in and leaning in so their lips were only inches apart. "You know I fucking do."

Sirius' grin widened, "Then what are you waiting for?"

Remus felt his heart flutter but before he could do anything Sirius seemed to have gotten bored with waiting. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Remus', his hand coming up to cage his face and pull him in closer. Remus didn't even try to stop the moan vibrating through his throat, swallowed by Sirius who was kissing him as if it was the last thing he would ever do.

Remus grasped Sirius' hips, pulling them flush with his own and felt Sirius instantly begin to grind on him in a slow, dirty motion.

"Fuck Pads, take me home." Remus panted, moving to kiss along Sirius' sharp jawline and breathing in the intoxicating smell of the expensive aftershave he wore mixed with a cinnamon and clove scent that was uniquely Sirius and so familiar it felt like home.

"Yes…okay yeah." Sirius said, pulling away reluctantly. "Taxi?"

"Whatever will get us there fastest."

__________________________

**_It's so cold out here in your wilderness  
I want you to be my keeper  
But not if you are so reckless_ **

**_If you're gonna let me down_  
Let me down gently don't pretend  
That you don't want me  
Our love ain't water under the bridge**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Would love to hear your thoughts, the next chapter should be up very soon :D
> 
> Song for this chapter: Water Under the Bridge by Adele


	12. May I Hold You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned; this is just smut. With a dash of fluff because what else?

**_May I hold you_ **

**_As you fall to sleep_ **

**_When the world is closing in_ **

**_And you can't breathe_ **

__________________________

The suggestive grin Sirius gave him was so gorgeous it _was doing things_ to Remus.

Sirius grabbed his hand, walking quickly back to the street and opening the door to one of the many taxis that lined the paths. He paused only a second to wave and smile at a few people who recognised him before practically bundling Remus into the taxi and reeling off his address to the amused looking taxi driver.

The ride back to Sirius' flat was...tense.

Sirius was bouncing his knee with clear impatience and making polite conversation with the driver, who seemed to be delighting in engaging them in small talk. The sexual tension in the air was so thick it could've been cut with a knife.

Finally, _finally_ they arrived outside Sirius' lavish building. Remus got out of the taxi, barely registering the frankly ridiculous wad of cash Sirius gave the driver and the man's chuckled goodbye of _"Have a good night lads"_ before he drove off.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other for a moment before they burst out laughing, some of the tension easing out of them until they were left in comfortable silence. Sirius shot him a small smile and linked their fingers together.

Sirius pulled him through the front door and practically slammed him up against the wall as soon as they were in the lift and the doors had dinged shut. Sirius pressed his body up against Remus', giving that slow roll of his hips again that made Remus throw his head back against the wall with a groan. He tried to kiss Sirius, but the other man pulled away slightly, a definite smirk on his full lips as he kept moving his body against Remus'.

"Such a fucking tease." Remus grumbled, hands sliding down to grip Sirius' ass.

"Hmmm, did you miss me?" Sirius whispered, his lips by Remus' ear, the hot breath of his skin making him shiver.

He brought one of his hands up again to cradle Sirius' cheek, moving him away slightly so he could look directly into his eyes. "So fucking much, baby."

Sirius' cheeks darkened in a ridiculously attractive flush at the sincerity in Remus' voice, but he was prevented from answering by the sound of the lift doors opening at the top floor of the building.

Less than two minutes later found them falling naked together onto Sirius' luscious king-sized bed, a trail of clothes leading the way from the front door and down the hallway to the bedroom.

Remus traced his hands down the muscular planes of Sirius' back, sliding around his hips and gripping tightly. Sirius grinned down at him, grinding their cocks together and letting out the most beautiful little moan.

_Everything_ about this man was beautiful.

From the luscious, silky hair that fell artfully around his shoulders, to his full pouty lips that parted slightly when Remus thrust up below him. His smooth, muscular chest heaving with panting breaths and his strong thighs spread so perfectly around Remus' hips, his cock hard and wet and leaking.

"You're gorgeous, you know that?" Remus said, his voice barely a whisper but he knew Sirius heard him from the way his mouth curled into a smirk.

"I've been reliably informed yes." Sirius said, grinning at him but Remus just shook his head.

"No, I mean it. Everything about you, not just the way you look. You're amazing Padfoot."

Sirius' smile seemed to soften at these words and they just looked at each other for a moment. Sirius reached down and laced their fingers together, bringing their joined hands up so they rested on the pillow by Remus' head. He leaned down once more and kissed Remus softly, reverently and Remus felt as if he was going to cry with the torrent of emotion welling up inside him. He'd spent so long being stupid and stubborn and childish and it meant he'd missed out on this. Missed out on the one man who made him feel loved and special and worthwhile in a way he'd never experienced with anyone else.

It didn't take long for Remus to deepen the kiss, trying to distract himself from feelings he wasn't ready to deal with yet.

Things soon became heated once more, both of them rocking together, hands and mouths exploring each other's bodies. Sirius broke away from Remus to kiss and nibble his way down his neck, sucking on the sensitive spot behind his ear. The thought that Sirius remembered what a turn on this was for Remus was making his cock harden so quickly he felt light-headed.

Remus tried to ignore the self-conscious thoughts that popped into his head as Sirius kissed down his chest and stomach; it was a long time since they'd seen each other naked and while Sirius looked even more like a Greek god, Remus wasn't quite as lean and lithe as he'd once been. Although judging by the expression on Sirius' face and the way his cock was leaking onto Remus' thigh, he rather liked what he saw.

"Mmm I missed you Re." Sirius said quietly, peppering little kisses to the inside of his thighs before looking up at Remus with lust-blown pupils and the most debauched expression Remus had ever seen.

"Missed you too baby." Remus said, before gasping when Sirius bent down and swallowed his cock almost to the root. " _Fuck."_

Sirius started to bob his head, swirling his tongue around the head and then taking him right to the back of his throat in a way that made Remus' eyes roll back in his head. His hands instantly went to Sirius' hair, winding through the silky strands but being sure not to control the movement. Remus was big and although he knew Sirius had enjoyed having his mouth fucked in the past, he couldn't just assume.

Seemingly having the same thoughts, Sirius pulled off Remus' cock for a moment to look up at him with a naughty little grin on his face. "Gonna have to practice a bit more before you can fuck my mouth again Moons, forgot hot fucking big you are."

Remus grinned at him, fingers massaging Sirius' scalp until the other man lowered his head once more and he was distracted by the wet heat engulfing his cock. His breath was coming in sharp pants and his heart was beating fast at the idea that Sirius wanted them to _practice_.

It was an embarrassingly short time later that Remus felt himself getting close, he reached down and pulled Sirius gently off his cock. Sirius looked at him with a slight frown, but before he could ask if he'd done something wrong, Remus shook his head. "I was getting close."

"Mmmm good, don't have to stop me for that."

"I don't want to come yet," Remus said, panting a little as Sirius gripped his cock in his hand and started stroking lazily. "Want - _oh god_ \- want you to fuck me first."

Sirius' eyes darkened until there was only a sliver of grey visible. He bit his lip in a way that was downright sinful and looked at Remus. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, please. If - only if you want to."

Sirius crawled back up Remus' body, situating himself between Remus' spread legs. "Are you out of your mind? Of course I bloody want to."

Remus smiled before Sirius kissed him again, his tongue snaking it's way into Remus' mouth and making him moan. Sirius gripped his thighs and lifted them higher so they were pressed to his chest, opening him. At Sirius' direction, Remus fumbled around in the table beside the bed for a moment before returning with lube and a condom which he set on the bed beside them.

Sirius kissed him once more before moving back down his body so he was resting between his legs again, his hands spreading Remus' cheeks to reveal his hole. Remus tried not to squirm; he wasn't used to this and forgot how exposed it made him feel.

_It's okay; it's Sirius. There's no one you trust more._

"Oh _holy fuck."_

Sirius' tongue was lapping at his hole, broad slow licks alternating with little flicks until Sirius managed to wiggle his tongue a little inside. Remus gasped as strong hands gripped his thighs to keep them spread wide.

"Sirius, Sirius I - _oh my god what the fuck-"_

He knew Sirius would be smirking if his mouth wasn't otherwise occupied, but he didn't care. Remus groaned as the other man started to alternate between fucking him with his tongue and sucking on the rim. He gripped Sirius' shoulders tightly, nails digging in as Sirius inserted one followed by two fingers that were slick with lube.

He took his time stretching Remus, pressing kisses to his thighs and stomach, flicking his tongue over the head of his cock and making the man beneath him gasp and moan.

Remus didn't think he'd ever had someone make him feel so special or who had taken so much time to make him feel good without thinking of themselves. At one point Remus grabbed hold of Sirius' hand again and gripped tightly, needing that anchor to ground himself.

Eventually Sirius slipped his fingers out and crawled up so they were face to face once more. Remus knew he was a mess; panting and flushed all the way down to his chest. Sirius still looked remarkably put together despite the activity he'd just been engaged in.

"Alright there?" He said, his voice teasing but his expression was soft.

"You know I am you prick," Remus panted, reaching up to cup the other man's cheek gently.

A slight flush appeared on Sirius' high cheekbones at the gesture and he kissed Remus softly, hand sliding across the sheets to grab the condom. He quickly slid it down his throbbing cock and positioned himself so the tip was gently nudging at Remus' hole.

Biting his lip he looked at Remus, who nodded, before pressing the tip inside.

Remus gasped as Sirius pushed forwards, pain and pleasure erupting inside him. The pain was intense but it didn't stop the desire he felt at having Sirius inside him after so long.

"You okay?"

Sirius had stopped, looking down at him with concern. Clearly his expression had given him away.

"I'm fine baby, keep going."

"Hurting?" Sirius said, keeping completely still as he tried to assess what was going on.

"I - a little. It's just been a while since I did this."

A look of comprehension dawned on Sirius' face and he pulled out slowly, sitting up on his knees and patting Remus' leg. "Come on then, on your knees."

"'I - what?"

"On your hands and knees." It was more of a command than anything and Remus felt a flash of desire as he remembered the few times where Sirius had taken control in the bedroom. Most of the time it had been the other way around whenever they'd tried something a little kinkier and this little reminder, however subtle, made Remus' heart beat faster and his cock leak even more precum onto his stomach.

He pushed himself up, turning over so he was on his hands and knees with Sirius kneeling behind him. He felt a hand on the small of his back, a soothing pressure as Sirius pressed up against him once more.

"Tell me if anything hurts. You need to stop we stop no explanation needed, yeah?"

Remus smiled to himself, he didn't need the reminder. Sirius was the one person he'd ever felt truly comfortable with and he knew that hadn't changed, but he felt a flutter in his stomach at the reminder.

"Yeah, same goes for you too, you know."

"I know baby, don't worry." Sirius said, leaning in close and pressing a soft kiss to Remus' neck. "I've always known that with you. You ready?"

"Yeah."

Remus felt breathless as Sirius pushed in slowly, stopping every so often to let them both get used to the feeling. It was easier like this and there was something entirely delicious about the feeling of being stretched around Sirius' cock, having Sirius' hands gripping his hips as he started a slow pace of deep thrusts, soon getting harder and faster as they both relaxed.

"Fuck Moony, you're so tight, so fucking amazing baby," Sirius groaned, having always been the vocal one. He was gripping Remus' hips tightly as he slammed into him.

Remus dropped down onto his forearms, spine curving and making his behind stick out more. The change in angle caused Sirius to go deeper on his next thrust and they both groaned loudly. Sirius leaned over him, still buried deep inside and grinded his hips against Remus' ass.

"Rem I'm close - _fuck_ -"

"Come on baby, come inside me." Remus gasped and Sirius groaned out a string of curses before wrapping his arm around Remus' chest and pulling him upright so they were both on their knees. Sirius was now slamming his cock into Remus' hole hard and fast, alternating between sucking on his neck and whispering filthy praise into his ear.

Remus reached back and threaded his fingers through Sirius' hair. "God Sirius."

Sirius thrust into him once, twice more, hips slamming into him so hard Remus was sure he'd have bruises on his ass come morning. Sirius let out a long low groan, his large hands holding the two of them together as he came inside him, filling the condom.

"Rem, Remus." Sirius panted, seeming to come back to himself enough to see Remus' hand working furiously over his own cock.

Sirius gently pulled out, twisting Remus so he fell on his back on the bed and leaned down to swallow Remus' cock once more.

"Wait, wait Sirius," Remus panted, hands reaching down to pull him up so they were face to face. "Want to kiss you."

Sirius' expression was unreadable but Remus didn't have time to try to decipher it before Sirius' hand was wrapping around his cock, grip firm and sure as he stroked him faster and faster. He leaned down and kissed Remus, deep and passionate, his free hand coming up to cradle Remus' face as if he were the most precious thing in the world.

It was this act of tenderness combined with the tight pressure around his cock that finally pushed him over the edge. He came with a loud cry, breaking the kiss and spilling all over his stomach, Sirius stroking him through it before they both collapsed still entwined in each other.

It was a few minutes before either of them spoke. Really he should feel disgusting; they were both sweaty and covered in come, but he for once he had no desire to move. Usually he would be hopping out of bed as soon as possible and making excuses to leave. But not this time.

This time he was content to stay here forever, under the comforting weight of the man he'd spent twelve years without and who he'd missed every single day.

He ran his hands gently up and down Sirius' back and the other man let out a soft hum and buried his face in Remus' neck, pressing a light kiss to his skin.

"We should shower." Sirius mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Yeah," Remus breathed.

He didn't want to move, didn't want to break this spell, afraid that everything would be different when they got out of bed.

Sirius pushed up a little, an almost shy smile on his face as leaned down to kiss Remus softly. Their lips moved together gently, almost reverently. Remus hummed into the kiss, unwilling to let go of the feeling of contentment still filling his body.

Sirius grinned at him lazily, his eyes sparkling. "Come on Moons, shower with me."

Remus smirked, now much less reluctant to be pulled out of bed at the idea of being pressed up against a wet, naked Sirius Black.

"Lead the way baby."

__________________________

**_May I love you_ **

**_May I be your shield_ **

**_When no one can be found_ **

**_May I lay you down_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts! :D
> 
> Song for this chapter: May I by Trading Yesterday


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